Pistol buying at Gander Gawddam Mountain

This salesman from Gander Mountain should choke on a bag of dicks. If you’re going to recommend a type of gun to someone or help them as they get started – don’t be the kind of shady bastard Dick Tip is talking about in this video.There’s a lot of truth in this rant.

Like, a lot of it.

Warning: NSFW language. Lots of that too.

We included translated text for those of you who don’t speak hollow-eyed inbred as well as Mad Duo Dave and Hondo do.  Here’s the video. The transcription is below. Feel free to read along, unless you’re one of those mouthbreathers who reads half out loud and traces each line with your finger.

Men with Beards shirt

Alright guys! My name’s Dick Tip, I’m here to tell you guys a little story today. Um, couple weeks ago…..I was in fuckin’ Gander Mountain…..um….number one, that was my damn problem to begin with, I was in damn Gander Mountain……uh……and I thought I was gonna go in-nair and mess with some people you knows, get myself inta some trouble….er….er something, and uh, and I go in and I, I see this man standin’ at the counter and he’s talkin’ to two females about uh, pistols. Now, one thang leads ta tha next, and he looks over at me and he makes eye contact, and I thought, ‘I’m-onna fuck with him.’

So I go waltzin’ on over dere, I over…I overhear …..him talkin’ to these two women. And uh, I hear him say, “A nine millimeter ain’t a good gun unless you a good shot cuz one round won’t kill nobody unless you hit em right in the face. But if you wanna gun that is one round to da ground, you need a forty-five.”

And that sumbitch gave the greasiest damn smile you ever see in your fuckin’ life.

Now I seen some twisted shit….um……this mother fucker was DIRTY. I could just tell that sumbitch would cheat at Yu-Gi-Oh. Um, they had already said to him, twicet, that they had never even bought a gun….never shot a gun, nuthin’. They were gonna be takin’…buyin’ a gun so they could get their conceal-perry-uh-concealed carry…..permit…uh, and this would be their first gun purchase.

Now, you could just tell this evil little bastard’s eyes was lightin’ up. ‘Cuz he was like, ‘fuck yeah Ima get me a good-ass sale!’ So then he reaches in the cab-net….um….the little gun counter thing? Y’knaw that clear thing….ya little see-through thing…..you know they made up for you ta like hafta um…..the thing that has all the guuuns. It’s like a damn…gun…bed…or some shit. Gun sanctuary…..er….he reaches in-nair and he pulls out a Smith-N-Wesson M and P forty-five compact.

Now I don’t know-bout-chu-guys, but uh, for those of you who aren’t hip to the gun…..community….forty-five compacts are no joke and you shouldn’t be messin’ wit em if that’s yer first fuckin gun…specially if you’ve never shot a gun before and especially if you’ve never um carried a gun, um, so….when he got done makin’ his sales pitch, I felt it was my job to follow these two women away from where this….this man was, the salesman.

“I feel I should tell you guys sumpthin. Don’t listen to a goddamn thang that sonuvabitch said because that motherfucker was lyin’ ta y’alls asses!” And they just looked at me like I had just fuckin’ given some diet pills to an Ethiopian…..um. So then they asked me what was goin on and I was like, “Ya know y’all don’t need to be buyin some shit because that dude’s tryin ta make a sale. Um, ya need to go somewhere, and try a damn gun out, and see if ya like it. If ya don’t like it, take that one back and go fuckin’ try sumpthin’ else. Ya don’t need ta buy sumpthin’ because he told ya what to buy. Especially a damn forty-five compact, that dirty bastard.”

So anyway I go back on over to him, because you know, I KNOW his ass was jealous a-his mouth, ‘cuz the amount a-SHIT that came outta that motherfucker that….was impressive. So I go back over to him and I’m like, “Hey man, can I see that Sig Sauer P320?”

“Oh yeah, man!” Reaches in the cab-net, hands it to me, and didn’t hand it to me like this….[holds barrel of pistol, grip out]…..he hands the damn thang to me like that…..[holds grip, aims gun barrel at camera]….he didn’t even clear it…..didn’t drop the magazine….nuthin’. Just ‘here ya go!’ Just ‘here…..grab it!’ So I carefully grabbed it from him and I….made sure it was clear and I say, “You know, whadya know about dis gun?” And he goes, “Oh that’s my favorite forty-five they’ve ever made.”

Now mind you, this sumbitch has nine millimeter pasted ALL over that sumbitch. I mean it said nine millimeter in at least six places on that fuckin’ gun. And I’s like, “are you sure this is a nine millimeter?” And he goes, “yep, that’s my everday carry!”


So I hand it back to him, and I said, “do you mind if I see that two-twenty-seven sittin’ right next to it?” And he goes, “You mean that striker-fired one?”

“No sir, the P22…the P227 layin’ right next to where you got this one from.” And he goes, “Yeah, that one’s striker-fire.”

So I didn’t wanna argue with him no more.

So he just hands me the gun, again, barrel first, and I’m like, “HOLY FUCK!

So uh, I start messin with it and stuff, and I’m like, “this thang IS a hammer fire, you know that right?” And he goes, “nope, that’s a striker. See how small that thang is?” And I’s like, “It’s still a hammer.” And he goes, “Naw. Naw.”

And he reaches in the cab-nit and he pulls out a 1911 and he says, “You see how big this one is, has that big ass hole in it?”—pointed to the commander hammer—he pointed to it and he goes, “That’s a hammer.” And then I said, “HOLY FUCK!

So I hand him the gun back, and I said, “You have a good day.” And I walked the fuck outta there…..

When sumthin’ that dumb is bein’ shot outta someone’s mouth, at that rate, some sorta bad shit’s gonna happen. I didn’t care. I’s getting the fuck outta there….that’s a damn dangerous place to be.

Gander Mountain. I don’t give a fuck if I’m hurtin’ your feelins or not. You need ta stop hirin’ fuckin’ dickheads that are lyin’ ta people tryi’n ta make sales. FIREARMS are not a goddamn joke! You need ta have some people who are trained! You need ta have people who can actually take accountability for the shit they say ta people they’re tryin’ ta sell shit to! I’m sorry but that’s fucki’n wrong! You gonna get somebody fuckin’ killed. And if you get somebody fuckin’ killed and they come back and sue your ass and you lose everything that you guys have ever fuckin’ done, you fuckin’ deserve it. So number one: FUCK OFF. Number two: hire some people who have a goddamn brain and a backbone and morals. I feel like anybody that says some shit like that should be held accountable and be fired imme-fuckin’ immediately. No matter how good they are no matter how long they been workin’ there. If you fuckin’ lie to someone, about FUCKIN’ FIREARMS, YOU ARE A FUCK! YA BUNCHA FUCKS!!!!!



I’ve heard some dumb shit come outta people’s mouths. And now mind you, a lotta dumb shit’s come outta MY MOUTH!


I know I mighta said some stuff that pissed y’all off, but I don’t give a fuck.


This rant is Swingin’ Dick Approved.


15 thoughts on “Pistol buying at Gander Gawddam Mountain

  • September 21, 2014 at 8:06 am

    “Ya need ta stop hirin’ fuckin’ dickheads…” Wish that it were that easy. I used to work at a truck shop, constantly understaffed, so customers would often have to wait. “You guys need to hire some more people!” Gee, I never thought of that. Get somebody in and start training them, “You should have hired someone who knows what they’re doing.” Where do I find those people? “I could do a better job than him!” Then fill out an application,”You guys don’t pay enough.” Of course when they’re paying the bill,”That’s too high.” Somehow we’re supposed to pay enough to hire and keep knowledgeable and experienced techs, while charging less than Walmart. Simply can’t win, but keep trying 🙂

  • September 21, 2014 at 2:23 am

    When I was visiting the United States of America I did experience this Gander Mountain, as an outsider I was quite impressed on the ‘everything under one roof’. However, when I went to the Tamp store it was exactly the same, the crazed sales person handed me the the thing barrel first, as I am a twitchy person I grabbed the the thing before the guy shot me and instinctively pointed it back at him then realised what I was doing cleared the the thing and searched for a holster to return it to. (This all happened very fast) I then gave him it back and went to look at some walking cloths to give my head a shake.

    At the end of my solo driving adventure on my post Afghan leave I did visit the Wisconsin store. This store was ok, I called them in advance to see if I could be shown around due to my experiences from the Tamp store. It was pretty cool, I had a great few hours, looking at stuff, and I had the full experience of the 300 degree shooting thing which I thought was great. The guy who was there ruing the simulater was ok he just was trying to get me to shout at the screen “a bit odd if u ask me” but he was giving me the police training scenes.

    I love this guy’s accent it reminds me of the early parts of my adventure in the south. I loved the south the most.

  • September 17, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    I’m assuming not all posts are this annoying and difficult to read? My ass is from Texas and it took me three times longer to read than normal. Fuck me. At least it was entertaining.

  • September 17, 2014 at 11:42 am

    For the most part, I find that most “salesmen” are ignorant. Not only do they not “live” it , they don’t bother to read it . Hell most don’t even have a subscription to G&A(not that that is the acme of firearms knowledge}. It’s a lot like buying performance parts for your drag car from a guy that doesn’t even own a car.

  • September 16, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I’m the firearms supervisor at the Gander Mountain down in Tampa,FL. This is exactly what I tell my guys. If I ever caught one of my guys handing a weapon to someone in any fashion other than clear, mag out, and butt first they’d be sent home immediately. If my store manager didn’t see this as a fireable offense I’d just remove them from the schedule until they quit on their own. Absolutely zero tolerance. Same thing goes for knowledge. Know your customer and their needs. I catch you pushing shit down someone’s throat to make a sale I’m gonna kick your ass out the door. Nuff said. HILARIOUS FUCKING VIDEO.

    What store was this guy talking about?

    • September 21, 2014 at 2:27 am

      Read my post. At the time I visited your place I was still serving in the British Army and had to leave as it was a bit shocking.

  • September 16, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    I’m glad to see evidence of how much y’all value your Southern followers. “This guy makes a great point, BUT he has a southern accent and doesn’t speak with the utmost eloquence, so he’s an uneducated, inbred redneck.” Fuck y’all.

    • September 16, 2014 at 9:13 pm

      I think you’ve missed the point of a satirical comment.

      • September 16, 2014 at 11:47 pm

        Imho, with the addition of a full transcript provided, I believe it went beyond satire. If you can’t understand what the dude is saying you gotta be deaf, dumb or just trying to be a prick.

        • September 17, 2014 at 10:40 pm

          LiberosVivereAutMori – we mentioned 2 of our own guys we were making fun of. One from Texas, one from Oklahoma, both have accents. Lighten the fuck up or go read somewhere else.

    • September 16, 2014 at 9:23 pm

      Far be it from me to speak for the Duo, but I’d wager that “hollow-eyed inbred” was just a little tongue-in-cheek jab. Kind’a like Jeff Foxworthy pokin’ fun at his people.

      The important part is they AGREE with him. Enough to POST it here.

      And, with a subtle wink, I’ll have to comment that, “doesn’t speak with the utmost eloquence” is only slightly less of an understatement than, “Michael Jackson would’a been a bad choice as a cubscout den-mother”.

      Growing up in what amounted to DLI immersion training in redneck, I personally found the translation spot-on. And hilarious.

      I shot half a mouthful of cheerios out my nose when I read “Choke on a bag of dicks”. Fuckin awesome.

      • September 16, 2014 at 11:43 pm

        “And, with a subtle wink, I’ll have to comment that, “doesn’t speak with the utmost eloquence” is only slightly less of an understatement than, “Michael Jackson would’a been a bad choice as a cubscout den-mother”.”

        Lol. Touche.

  • September 16, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    I worked for Gander Mountain for 2 years in the firearms department, and the sad truth is that this is generally the rule, not the exception. I was very lucky at my store in that every one of my coworkers was either current/retired LE, current/former military, or had been brought up around guns and knew a hell of a lot better than this numb-nuts this guy dealt with. Not all Gander Mountain’s are bad (except on their prices!), but the good ones are hard to find.

  • September 16, 2014 at 11:17 am

    The bad part is this is most any big box outdoor sport and hunting outlet. Quite a few gun shops too.


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