Meanwhile, in Finland: Latest Varusteleka-ness

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Meanwhile, in Finland: Latest Varusteleka-ness

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Varusteleka is a Finnish company specializing in military kit, outdoor gear, and related equipment, with a reputation for excellent customer service and an awesome sense of humor.

Now, some of you scab-knuckled fuckwits aren’t going to remember your geography, and more of you never knew it to begin with, so here’s a reminder. Finland, or Suomi as it’s properly known, is in Europe, which is a whole ‘nuther continent. Finland is in the same general vicinity as Sweden, Cimmeria, Norway, and Ibben. It’s cold there, and it has a reputation for breeding fighters hard as woodpecker lips (Simo Häyhä and Imari Juutilainen anybody)? It is also known for producing people who can pronounce shit like Lemminkäinen and Kalevanpoika. Those might sound like some eldritch craft brew beer or a type of venereal disease, but they’re not — quite the contrary, those are some names you should know if you have any interest at all in mythology (or for that matter in the warrior ethos).

Here’s a helpful infographic for you.

We have never visited there (well, yet) because there are fewer strip clubs in all of Finland than there are along just the Ft. Leonard Wood stretch of I-44. (No, seriously. You can look for yourself.) Plus, there are apparently only two female Finnish porn stars, Tiina-Rakel Liekki and Maria Pauliina Kekkonen (WTF?). Also, in case we hadn’t mentioned it before, because it’s cold.

That doesn’t mean it’s a bad place, though. After all, they have poronkäristys to eat, sahti to wash it down, the ominously named marskin ryyppy for important work, Jasmin Mäntylä’s boobs and something called Glogg (which we’re going to have to try at least once). Oh, and evidently, any commercially sold beverages containing less than 2.8% alcohol are classified as non-alcoholic. 

That’s fucking science.

But, we digress.

Varusteleka (who will evidently be at SHOT Show 2018 this year) has a number of new products available, including their woodland camo “assaulter’s ghillie cloak.” Anyone reading Breach-Bang-Clear for any length of time knows we’ll be going aftermone of these, even if we never use it…because we’re gay for woodland came. You know this to be true.

Their description:

“A simple and multifunctional personal camouflage net. Designed for wear as a outermost layer over clothing and gear and for use as a small camouflage net to conceal positions and equipment. The strong mesh fabric makes it possible for the end-user to attach extra camouflage materials for a 3D effect.”

They’re likewise introducing the new Särmä TST L4 field jacket and trousers, the latter of which, as you can see in the image below, come equipped with some sort of field-suitable sex toy that doubles as a reinforcement for the knees.

Lastly, they’re constantly expanding the Särmä TST clothing system. That system will be the subject of a focused article later on, if only so we have an excuse to use the world vaatetusjarjestelma.

Hell. Yes.


No idea what it means, but we’re gonna use it.

More to follow on all this soon. Until then, think and be dangerous. Hakka päälle!

Varusteleka Varusteleka.comis online at (or, if you happen to speak Finnish). Also on Facebook, /Varustelekaint/. They’re @varusteleka on Instagram.

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9 thoughts on “Meanwhile, in Finland: Latest Varusteleka-ness

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  • October 31, 2017 at 2:01 am

    Sorry fellows, there is an L in Ilmari Juutilainen’s first name, and there are two Ä-letters in Vaatetusjärjestelmä. Simple.

  • October 22, 2017 at 2:01 am

    vaatetusjärjestelmä means basically clothing system

    hello from finland lol

  • October 21, 2017 at 1:53 pm

    Jasmin Mäntylä. 😀 varmaan ainoa idiootti kuka suostu tähän..

  • October 21, 2017 at 5:00 am

    Larry Thorne ring a bell? Lauri Törni, should be on wikipedia under “badass m******cker”.

  • October 20, 2017 at 1:37 pm

    A sidenote: Some Kurds living in Finland have gone to Iraq or Syria to fight ISIS, and before going there, they have bought their kits from Varusteleka. From what I’ve understand, Varusteleka is proud of that, and of course they have a lot of respect for those brave Kurds, as do I.


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