AK v. AR – a Dr. Seuss Discussion

It is not a trifle, this debate about a rifle | AK vs AR, Dr. Seuss style, on Breach Bang Clear.
| December 2, 2018
Categories: Assorted Ramblings

AK vs. AR.  It is perhaps the most consistent debate in gun culture (after 9mm vs. .45, of course). Read on to see the Dr. Seuss comparison. Scroll down for attribution (we didn’t write this).

Brought to you by Bad Moon Armory

Bad Moon Armory - quality firearm work in the heart of Bourbon Country! House Bad Moon is sworn to House Morningwood!

…building better guns so you don’t show your ass.

AK vs. AR: The Dr. Seuss Version

I would not use it in a war,
I would not buy it in a store,
I do not like the black AR,
It is not from USSR.
I do not like them, Sam-I-Am
I much prefer the Abakan.

Would you like it from the states?
Or would you like a snowy place?
Would you like to shoot it fast?
Or would like it from the past?
I’m sure you’ll like a new AR,
And not something from the Czar.

I would not use it in the mud,
I would not use it to spill blood,
I do not like Gene Stoner’s gun
I don’t find maintenance to be fun.
The only rifles that I love
Come from Mikhail Kalashnikov

We have called the banners.

Back the Bang - join House Morningwood and support Breach-Bang-Clear

Will you declare for Morning Wood? 

Would you use it in a pinch?
Will you not budge a single inch?
Will you set aside this dross,
And accept Eugene as the boss?
I’m sure if you weren’t quite so crass,
You’d love to cook with DI gas.

I would not use it as a bat
I would not use it to shoot at rats
I do not like your M16
That will not shoot if not kept clean.
Plastic and alloy’s not as good
As rifle made of steel and wood.

Would you use it as a pike?
Mount upon it a steel spike?
Would you choose the lighter weight,
One less thing on march to hate?
If you choose the lighter kick,
You could kill most any prick.

I would not take it on parade
I would not take it on a raid
I do not like your Armalite
I do not trust it in a fight
Your western rifle has no charms
It cannot match Mother Russia’s charms.

Don’t you like its svelte profile?
Don’t you find the stock worthwhile?
Can’t you see the safety’s best?
Won’t you even give a test?
Your Kalashnikov’s a peasant’s joke,
Good for nothing but wood smoke.

I would not use it to scoop crap
I would not melt it down for scrap
I do not like your twenty-two
That fragments when it should go through.
The Russian peasants all enjoy
The joke that is your plastic toy.

Would you try it if free-floated?
Surely then there’s nothing bloated.
Would you lay down in the grass,
Feel the trigger break like glass?
With AK, before you quit,
Broad side of barn you will not hit.

I would not use it in the sand
I would not touch it with my hand
I do not like your black carbine
I do not like AR15s
Your DI is quite obsolete
It shits gas where it also eats.

Would you use it where tigers dwell?
In humid climes where wood does swell?
Would you use it with more rails?
(a field in which the AK fails.)
If you’ll only give a squeeze,
You’ll find it works with greatest ease.

I would not use it in the woods
I would not use it in the ‘hood.
I do not like your Colt M4
That breaks if dropped onto the floor
I won’t be swayed by western swine
Keep all your rails — RIFLE IS FINE.

You will not use it in a war
You will not use it any more.
I must admit it has been fun.
I think it’s time to let things be.
In the end we’ll just disagree.


Is reading Breach-Bang-Clear worth at least $1 month to you? That’s not even a lapdance! Consider backing us!

Support Breach-Bang-Clear.
Support Breach Bang Clear, the Mad Duo, and Minions on Patreon.

What is Patreon? It’s a crowdfunding platform. Breach-Bang-Clear readers pledge from $1 to $50 a month to “House Morningwood” (our Game of Thrones house, complete with sigil!), to help us with expenses. We, in turn, give our supporters unique content, membership to a closed discussion group, and access to the “Morningwood Bazaar“, which is basically helluva lot of unique discount codes (up to 60%) to numerous manufacturers and retailers. “Bend the knee” to House Morningwood and help us cover costs. Rise Before Dawn! 

If you wish to cite, syndicate, or curate our material, or if you’re wondering about our please be so kind as to read our Terms, Conditions, and Disclosures.
Take heed! We have advertisers, sponsors, and affiliate relationships with some of the companies you will be reading about (particularly, but not limited to, archival posts). If you purchase one of those items, we will get a small commission from the sale at no additional cost to you. A lot of work goes into Breach-Bang-Clear; by making your purchase through one of our portals you’ll be supporting our work. This will help us buy beer, bullets, and barbecue, and we won’t have to put pop-up ads and other such stupid shit into our articles to pay our expenses. 


Note: we’re not sure of the original author(s). We originally saw it here: http://i.imgur.com/E6hRK.png; it appears a number of Reddit users were responsible, but we can’t say for a certainty. We just know we likes it.

Read more of our AK related articles in Vodka Blasters.

AK action gif


1 Comment

  1. Frank Karl

    This is wonderful!


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *