July 4, 2012  
Categories: Assorted Ramblings

Background Dossier, Jake Call

Jake “Slim” Call entered the Marine Corps on 20000621 according to his SRB, attending boot camp with 1ST RTBN at MCRD Sand Diego, graduating 20000909. He went on 10 days leave with a number of Barbies and reported to SOI at MCB Camp Pendleton 20000919.  He finished with the 0331 MOS on 20001129 and reported to 1/3 Marines in Kaneohe Bay, HI. He subsequently attended an unusual number of formal schools (sometimes in black budget ops that required he remain at the bottom of a ruck or otherwise out of sight of the instructors) and was proud to eventually earn the MOS 0317. He deployed many times with 3RD Marines, and on at least two occasions he was chopped to MARSOC (this was before MARSOC). On 20031219 he was transferred to the I & I staff of a USMCR battalion in the Midwest.  He became a Combat Marksmanship instructor (CMT) with the MOS of 0931 even though he’s never found a pith helmet that fits.  It was Slim that coined the phrase “Tier 1” when referring to operators, much to the delight of the DEVGRU, CAG, and Brit SBS guys he was drinking with at the time. They knew he was just talking trash for the benefit of the triplets working the pole together and spending their time right there on pervert row, but Gen. Schoomaker got wind of it and the name stuck. Slim has since tried to copyright the term so he could get a free copy of Medal of Honor but so far no joy.

He really hates it when the MRE Tabasco leaks into the toilet paper and dries there, and you don’t find out about until it’s too late.  (Slim loves direct action and enjoys being deployed, but he hates having to crap in a COB.)

Slim was considered for a role in Magadheera because he does all his own stunts and still gets maudlin phone calls once in a while from Michael Bay asking for good shoot-em-up ideas.  He’s attended classes with BORSTAR, BORTAC and NPS SWAT (few people realize just how squared away their tactical guys are), and he loves a good burrito…this does not, however, prevent his outrage at the ongoing bullshit along the border. Slim has trained or even gone downrange with a number of bad-asses, including John Creasy, A.K. Waters and several real guys who cannot be named. Like Waters, he’s caught a ride with HSL-37 into the jungle, unlike Waters it was in real life.

To he everlasting chagrin, Slim was bailed out of jail after Jack Burton that one time in Atlantic City, despite the fact that it was Jack’s truck and Jack’s duct tape, and the lion’s hair grew back eventually anyway.

Slim invented geocaching, but he always intended for it to be done with map, compass and protractor, helped right the scenarios for Operation Raider Spirit and led the rescue mission for the recovery of the survivors of Operation Stinger. He was never one of People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People in the World, but he could kick anyone on the list’s ass.

Over the last year or two, Slim has been blessed to train with a number of different LE agencies and units, having attended classes by the Scott-Donelan Tracking School, Strategos International, San Diego SWAT, Tulsa County Sheriff SWAT, KCPD TRT, Center Mass Inc., an Apache Indian knife-fighting instructor from Arkansas who was really good but turned out to be crazy. He also got to spend some time with some guys from Italy he never did identify and couldn’t understand but enjoyed running around with.  Slim once worked as a rodeo clown at the barfly rodeo in Moe’s Tavern.

The following dates are when he received his martial arts belts:

Tan: 20000709

Gray: 20020505

Green: 20030305

Slim enjoys shooting assholes for work as well and play and feels like hunting muj and fleeing felons is the best of both.  He is an accomplished gamer, successfully playing Jordan by Buckethead on Expert the very first time he tried it unlocking the Nuketown Mannequins—with a pistol—within a few hours of getting the game.

Given the chance, Slim would like to meet Larry Page and Sergey Brin, President GW Bush and Glen Beck. His heroes are Batman, Capt. Woodrow Call and Capt. Augustus McCrae and William Wallace.

Slim tends to fuck with Swingin’ Dick unmercifully, always organizing and rearranging his kit and personal belongings: Slim has some OCD going on, while Richard can be distracted by a flashing light or a squirrel. This is probably why Slim is better at long range projectile delivery and Richard is more of a direction action doorkicker type guy.  Though they are best friends, Slim (who like many gyrenes was thoroughly brainwashed into also a not altogether false sense of invulnerability and love of the Corps) tends to make fun of Richard for having never been a Marine—which is funny for a while but usually ends up in a fistfight (particularly at a strip club or bar).

In addition to his country and his comrades, Slim loves Mr. Brown’s Barbecue just outside of Bastrop, TX.

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Mad Duo

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The Mad Duo are the most renowned, scholarly, door-kickingest action figures since...well, ever. They, their wretched minions and other abject flunkies are an improbable (and awesome) tale unto themselves. Read more about them here.


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