Beards: University Studies Show You'll Live Longer and be More Awesome

Beards are an incredible force multiplier in combat. We know that. Now the University of Southern Queensland has published a study confirming what we’ve figured all along.

Combat beards do more than just provide face kevlar and chin ghillies killing assholes in farawy places. They make you more awesome and will likely allow you to live decades, if not centuries, longer.

Plus you don’t look like a boy or a woman.

Bearded soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan: face kevlar. Guns don't kill people, men with beards do.

 

The following proof comes to you via NewNowNext:

Beards.

Gentlemen, they’re not just for hipsters and the homeless any more. While both dead sexy and totally awesome, beards are also a boon to your overall health. Researchers discovered that men with beards and moustaches actually enjoy numerous benefits including, but not limited to, instant handsomeness.

A study from the University of Southern Queensland, published in the Radiation Protection Dosimetry journal, found that beards block 90 to 95 percent of UV rays, thereby slowing the aging process and reducing the risk of skin cancer. Got asthma? Pollens and dust simply get stuck in that lustrous facial hair. Additionally, all that hair retains moisture and protects against the wind, keeping you looking young and fresh-faced. What’s more, shaving is usually the cause of ingrown hairs and bacterial infections that lead to acne.

Have you tossed your razor in the trash yet?

To conduct the study, researchers left bearded mannequins, along with less attractive, follically-challenged ones, in the blistering sun of the Australian outback and then compared the amount of radiation absorbed by each.

But don’t forget to take care of those blessed follicles; beards can also spread infection if not properly cared for and make consumption of certain foods (e.g. cheeseburgers, corn on the cob, falafel sandwiches—anything with hummus actually, bagel ‘n’ schmear, syrupy pancakes) rather laborious. Fuzzy-faced men would be wise to take advantage of beard wash and beard oil, essential tools for looking and feeling your beardy best.

 

 

Mad Duo, Breach-Bang-CLEAR!

Swingin' Dick

Richard "Swingin' Dick" Kilgore is half of the most storied celebrity action figure team in the world (and the half that doesn't prefer BBWs). He believes in American Exceptionalism, America, holding the door for any woman (lady or whore) and the idea that you should be held accountable for what comes out of your fucking mouth. Swingin' Dick has been a warrior gyrovague for many years now and is, apparently, impossible to kill -- he once had a complete body transplant after an IED hit the gun truck in which he was riding. True story, one of the Cav guys mailed his head and arm home. Swingin' Dick comes from a long line of soldiers and LEOs (his Great Uncle commanded an Air Cav battalion in Vietnam and his many times removed great grandfather was one of the few original Burt Mossman era Arizona Rangers). Swingin' Dick detests Joy Behar and Chris Matthews almost as much as he enjoys traveling the world to crush crime vice and evil. He believes the opportunity to lead eeeelight team of Breach Bang Clear minions is the most improbably awesome thing an action figure has ever done and he's immensely proud of his perfect hair. Loyalty and respect should start from the top down.


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