Many people are aware of how awesomely awesome we are, and that the 2 guys who actually run this site are only a foot tall. Many somehow manage to miss that. They don’t realize a pair of action figure celebrities direct an entire platoon of wretched minions, execrable flunkies and assorted editorial staff lackeys in order to bring you the finest and bestest reading every. damn. day.
Anyway, you’re welcome. Here’s a look at what we’re up to.
Boots on the Ground: The Ongoing Adventures of the Mad Duo
About the Mad Duo:
The Mad Duo are perhaps the best-traveled, door-kickingest action figures in the history of mankind. The modern day trigger-pulling analogue of “Flat Stanley“, they mail themselves all over the globe to hand out with some of the best pipe-hitters in the business. Writers from the beginning of their careers, their scalpel-like wit and perspicacious perspicuity are the editorial equivalent of a .308 boat tail to the head. They don’t mean to be so awesome, they just wake up that way every day — just ask them, they’ll tell you. Richard “Swingin’ Dick” Kilgore and Jake “Slim” Call prefer rifles for social work but are more than proficient with their pistols and have little patience for stoopid shit. They never dangle their participles, never fall for the banana in the tailpipe trick, always remember to police their brass — literally and figuratively and are saving the money they earn from Nancy’s Squat ‘n’ Gobble (the best strip club and spaghetti buffet in Oklahoma City) for retirement. As though this much badassery could ever retire.
The Mad Duo fights evil so you don’t have to. Read more about them below.
Richard “Swingin’ Dick” Kilgore is half of the most storied celebrity action figure team in the world (and the half that doesn’t prefer BBWs). Born in Freedom, Oklahoma, he believes in American Exceptionalism, America, holding the door for any woman (lady or whore) and the idea that you should be held accountable for what comes out of your fucking mouth. Swingin’ Dick has been a warrior gyrovague for many years now and is, apparently, impossible to kill — he once had a complete body transplant after an IED hit the gun truck in which he was riding. (That’s a true story, one of the Cav guys mailed his head and arm home.) Swingin’ Dick comes from a long line of soldiers and LEOs (his Great Uncle commanded an Air Cav battalion in Vietnam and his many times removed great grandfather was one of the few original Burt Mossman era Arizona Rangers). Swingin’ Dick detests Joy Behar and Chris Matthews almost as much as he enjoys traveling the world to crush crime vice and evil. He believes the opportunity to lead eeeelight team of Breach Bang Clear minions is the most improbably awesome thing an action figure has ever done and he’s immensely proud of his perfect hair.
Loyalty and respect should start from the top down.
Jake “Slim” Call comes from a long line of military and law enforcement service, dating all the way back to the earliest days of the Texas Rangers. Contrary to what Swingin’ Dick says, he does not like fat chicks. Born in Austin, Texas, Slim has been a part of Breach-Bang-Clear since about ’05, and since then has traveled around the world spreading awesomeness, fighting evil and putting single dancing moms through college. Slim hates hippies, sissies and when the MRE Tabasco leaks into the toilet paper and dries there but you don’t realize it until its too late. Together with his comrade Richard “Swingin’ Dick Kilgore” Slim manages and directs an eeeelight blogging team of writers that thinks you can be a warrior and a patriot and still be amenable to civil discourse.
Incorrigibility breeds contempt.