Maybe you’ve seen this meme before. Maybe you’ve just heard the phrase, “America; we will kill you in your sleep on Christmas. What you might not know is there’s an actual story behind it. An unlikely but 100% true military victory, the likes of which have only been seen a few times in all of human history. This is the untold story of of George Washington crossing the Delaware on Christmas night, 1776, to attack the Hessians and Brits. This is how you capitalized the E in American Exceptionalism and secured the future of a free and awesome America. 

“KIll them all and break their shit. Murica!” George Washington. [The first U.S. president delivers a FRAGO on the icy banks of the Delaware River just prior to hit time. (colorized).]

Murica: Washington Crossing the Delaware

If you like guns, love America and have an internet connection, you have likely seen this meme before. It’s a good one; we willingly admit that. In fact, we here at Breach Bang Clear would go so far as to say it’s one of our all-time favorite Murica pictures. But very few know the actual events that led to the painting that led to the meme. Many think it’s just some silly patriotic slice of internet absurdity. It’s not. So we fingered figured what better time to tell it to you than on Independence Day? Well, other than maybe Christmas Eve. 

First off, this epic image is from the famous painting, “Washington Crossing the Delaware”.  It was painted in 1851 by the German-American artist Emanuel Leutze. It famously commemorates our original all-American badass General George Washington’s crossing of the Delaware River on the night of December 25–26, 1776, during the American Revolutionary War.

The original Washington Crossing the Delaware by Emanual Leutze.

So what’s so special about the night of December 25-26, 1776? It was Christmas, and there were some assholes that we needed dead in the town of Trenton, New Jersey. 

Some people just need killing. 

As you should know from history class, or the very least by reading our other Independence Week articles, the American Revolution was an all-or-nothing war to win independence from the British Empire. We were sick of their shit, their terrible breakfast choices, and their subpar dentistry, and we finally decided it was time we start our own nation. George Washington was the supreme commander of all continental forces, or simply the HMFIC of our future. The war was not going in our favor, and it was still close to the beginning. If the colonists hadn’t started winning some battles, you’d be drinking Earl Grey tea as you read this instead of coffee. So what was going on in the mid-east coast AO that cold Christmas?

Well, here it is, as told by us. The Mad Duo, edited for historical accuracy by Nate Murr.

America: We Will Kill You in Your Sleep on Christmas

The punk-ass redcoats didn’t have enough resources to fight all by themselves, so they hired out some German mercenaries called the Hessians. These kraut bastards were sort of an 18th-century version of PMCs like Blackwater, Triple Canopy, or Wagner Group; only they were fielded by the German state of Hesse. Anyway, the Hessians made up about a quarter of the enemy forces we fought during the war, and they had some bad mama-jamas in their ranks.

They were pretty quick to pop their deserters and were known for being skilled in numerous forms of combat. A detachment of about 1,500 Hessians had holed up for the holiday in and around Trenton, New Jersey and was expected to drop their guard for the birth of baby Jesus. Assuming we were too “civil” to attack on the holiday, they went into chill mode. Bad weather kept them from posting much of a fire watch, and their CO was a self-serving dick.

Their commander, Colonel Johann Rall, was said to avoid hard work and had little concern for his troops’ comfort. As such, the Hessians were all like, “Fuck that douche, let’s drink some lager and maybe run a train on a few of these colonial bitches.” So they settled in and prayed to Krampus or whatever, KNOWING there was no way we would attack.

Wrong again motherfuckers! 

George Washington is also well known for his famous quote, “When you see Tyranny, shoot it in its stupid fucking face!”

George Washington called his officers together to break his plan down barney-style. He was all like, “Check it out, bros, this is how this shit is going down.”

His eagle eyes caught a dude falling asleep in the back of the tent as he explained his plan, so he called that fucker out and made him stand, sipping water from a wood canteen as he continued. “Shit, where was I… all right, check this trash out gents…”

GW explained that he had some secret squirrels across the river, giving him solid eyes-on reports of the Hessians. The plan was to launch a coordinated, three-pronged attack into New Jersey and kill or capture everything around Trenton. His boy, General Cadwalader, would launch a diversionary attack against the British garrison at Bordentown, NJ, and cut off any reinforcements from the south. General James “Go Easy” Ewing would take his 700 militiamen across the river at Trenton Ferry and seize the bridge over the Assunpink Creek. This would prevent enemy troops from escaping.

GW would take the mother-fucking-point, (like he always did, bro) and lead the main assault force of 2,400 men to soon-to-be-renamed-Murderville, aka Trenton. They would cross the frozen-ass Delaware River 14 klicks north, push south, and split into two groups to launch a pre-dawn attack. Depending on how badly they fucked the Brits and Huns up, the Americans made contingency plans possibly follow up with separate subsequent attacks on Princeton and New Brunswick.

“When you see Tyranny, shoot it in its stupid fucking face!” George Washington

GW finished his FRAGO, only to notice that the dude who fell asleep earlier didn’t have his note-taking gear out. He drew his 1911 .45 and smoked-checked that butter bar on the spot.

“Get some E-3’s in here to clean this shit up,” he growled angrily as he left the tent.

Emotions were running high, and the officers still inside the tent listened to him yell at a passing Sergeant for having his hands in his pockets. A particular Sergeant Major (well known for being a suck-dick) pushed past them to get in on the ass-chewing. Having been issued literally no gear from the Continental Army at all, not even gloves or a uniform, was no excuse, as the sergeant was informed before being NJP’d. Three other soldiers were reprimanded that day for riding horses over 5 MPH in the FOB. 

The original plan called for the river assault called for Zodiac assault craft, but someone failed to pull ’em from the CONEX. In retrospect, they might not have been able to carry the horses anyway. 

Christmas came, and the troops all sat around on their gear smoking and dipping as they waited to move closer to the Delaware River. They’d hoped for Hot-Wets to chase the cold away but were informed that chow was a crutch, even on Christmas.

The night of the raid was equally jacked up. We are talking football bat, soup sandwich, goat-rope levels here. There was delay after delay, and it forced the plan off schedule. Because the colonial pipe hitters were all loaded down with three days’ worth of chow and plenty of ammo for the mission, supply had to weigh them and their gear for the boat manifest. This took several hours because no one could find any of the supply guys or the quartermaster.

When they finally showed up, they claimed to have been taking inventory at a local barn, but everyone knew they were totally sleeping in the stables.

Finally, they moved to the river.  The ammo tech asked GW if he needed any more balls or gunpowder, and he replied by grabbing his crotch and proclaiming, “These are all the balls I need, son!” 

All of his troops let out a nervous pre-combat laugh; funny-moto stuff like that can take the edge off.  Oh, and check this out. No shit, and you can look this up for real; the challenge and password for the attack were “Victory or Death”! 

How badass is that? Murica! 

Assembled at the river’s edge, General Washington was getting impatient and asked why his soldiers had not loaded up on the Zodiacs yet. A nervous officer told him that the supply had accidentally left the boats in CONEX cans back at the FOB.

“Fuck my life,” he whispered in response to no one in particular.

They used Durham boats instead, while the horses and artillery went across on large ferries the troops had ganked. The trip would prove to be difficult in the darkness of the night, as supply had run out of candles for everyone’s lanterns. The Staff NCOs yelled at the troops for using their candles to walk around camp at night and for wasting them to write letters home. Plus it was Christmas.

In short, everyone was pissed and just wanted to go kill some Hessians. 

Even back then, The Glow Belt got no respect. Well, guess what? A reflective belt almost cost us the war.

Terrible weather conditions further delayed the landings, as did the discovery that no one brought their glow belts along for the crossing. It was clearly on the gear list, but some dudes thought that reflective belt PPE was a joke. George Washington promised they would pay later and that he would maybe even pull the 96-hour pass he promised them upon victory. The movement was supposed to be completed by 12:00 am, but it was 0300 by the time they got everyone across the icy water. 

GW with early revolving machine-musket.

Battle of Trenton

After the icy beach landing in New Jersey, the colonial army-road marched down to the city of Trenton. George Washington rode his horse up and down the line encouraging the men to continue. General Sullivan sent a courier to tell Washington that the weather was wetting his men’s gunpowder. GW responded, “Tell General Sullivan to use the bayonet. I am resolved to take Trenton.” After a pause, he was heard muttering, “Fucking airwingers.”

Battle of Trenton: the plan of attack!

About two miles outside of Trenton, the shitshow got worse. As the main body reunited with the advance parties, they were startled by the sudden appearance of fifty armed men. Luckily, they were friendlies. Led by some civilian dude named Adam Stephen, they had not known about GW’s badass plan to attack Trenton and had attacked a nearby Hessian outpost.

GW was fucking livid. The Krauts had probably been tipped off because of this attack, and it most likely fucked the entire mission.

He screamed at Stephen, “You sir! You, sir, may have ruined all my plans by having them put on their guard!”

He almost shot the dude dead right there, but the XO ran over and calmed him down. Despite this fuck-up, GW ordered his boys to continue the advance to Trenton. Luckily the Krauts dismissed the LP/OP attack as an isolated incident and didn’t stand up more forces to investigate. Like, they didn’t even send their QRF out to check on those poor dead fuckers.

Okay, now for the good part. 

The battle of Trenton, as painted by someone with no actual historical information on the battle.

Attack on the City

Nearing the city of Trenton, GW pushed his boys out online and had them prep the arty. At 0800, all hell broke loose. They shelled the city as they began the assault in three columns.

“You men shoot those sons of whores in their shitstained bed, as they sleep!” Washington roared, digging his heels into his horse.

The attack pushed the Hessians back into the city, but that offered them little cover.

“These fuckers didn’t fill a single damn sandbag!” GW shouted in disbelief. Hessian engineers had recommended this to their commander, but he had foolishly shot that plan down.

That’s what happens when you ignore the priorities of work, nasties. 

His decision led to a complete bloodbath, with Germans getting shot in their stupid faces as the colonial army swept from house to house. Finally, they captured the Hessian CO, who still refused to surrender. Riding up on his huge majestic horse, (rumored to be a descendant of unicorns) George Washington commanded, “Get that cock-sucking Kraut out here, it’s time we have a little chat!”

GW’s own PSD guys dragged Colonel Johann Rall out into the street, happy to finally have something to do. Dumping him in the mud before GW, Colonel Rall began to cry like the little bitch he was. “Hey, Rall, you son of a bitch. I only have one question for you,” GW smirked. The Hessian commander had shit his pants, and snot ran down his nose as his shaking hand hovered over his pistol. He squeaked out a “Ja?” in response, still debating if he should go for his gun.

“Where is the only place German should be spoken?” GW asked.

Confused, Rall responded with an uncertain “Germany?”

His hand twitched in one last act of defiance, and he went for his pistol. In a flash, GW drew his Nighthawk custom and drilled a hollow point right between the disgraced officer’s eyes!

As the dead Hessian fell face-first into the mud, GW loudly proclaimed the correct answer.

“Wrong, you stupid motherfucker! The only place German should be spoken is in Hell! ”

Silence swept over the city of Trenton as the victorious George Washington lit a Cuban and pulled out a flask of whiskey. After taking a long pull of the liquor, the first beams of sunlight cleared the tall trees at the edge of town. They cast a brilliant light on GW, still mounted on his blood-splattered white horse. Just then, an American Bald Eagle cried out from the sky above, and GW instinctively put his arm out for it to land. The noble raptor landed perfectly on his leather gauntlet, screamed again, and gave him a nod of approval.

This is just about exactly how it went down, though some over-achiever put too many stars on the flag of that time. Other than that, spot on.

The battle of Trenton gave George Washington and his soldiers a much-needed victory, as well as a boost in confidence, contributing to the changing tide of the Revolutionary War. The Hessian forces lost 22 KIA, 83 WIA, and 896 captured. The Americans suffered only two deaths from frostbite and five WIA in the battle, including a near-fatal wound suffered by the future president James Monroe.

We’d give you all the details, but if you want to read the so-called full “historically accurate” account of the battle, you lazy bastards can Google that shit yourself. Rest assured, it was an impossible mission that carried great weight after its victory. 

Do you want to know the great irony of all this? Aside from kicking pre-Nazi asses, there is an interesting point about the painting the meme is created from. The original painting of Washington crossing the Delaware was part of an art collection at the Kunsthalle in Bremen, Germany. It was destroyed in a bombing raid in 1942, during World War II. That Kraut painter Leutze had luckily replicated two more versions, one of which is now in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. The other was in the West Wing reception area of the White House.

Fucking crazy, right?  Murica! 

Name something. Any villain or villainous creature. We guarantee George Washington shot it in the face.

Further Reading

• More from the original Independence Week series. 
• Murica! 
• Mt. Vernon digital library