Review: Lowa Uplander Boots…Best.Boots.Ever.

lowa uplander boots
March 15, 2013  
Categories: Assorted Ramblings

Lowa Uplander Boots are the best. boots. ever. Doorkicker, sniper, tracker, cop – the Mad Duo would not have believed they’d like these boots the way they do if anyone had told them before putting them to the test.


Generally I won’t wear another man’s boots. It’s weird, creepy and even a little bit gross. Not that much grosses ole’ Slim out, Hell one time I waded thru a ditch full of human shit to avoid enemy fire, but hey we all got our limits. Anyway, Swinging Dick has been on my ass about trying these Lowa boots out for some time now. We have a bunch of SF buddies that rave about them, but the price has always turned me away.  Its not like servicemen make a boat load of money, like most public servants’ outside of Washington. I asked Nancy Pelosi to spare some cash to get my team some new kicks, but I guess she’s saving that 80 million for retirement.

Buying an expensive pair of boots that don’t work out is a real kick in the nuts. I got pair of the USMC approved Danners once, and they didn’t work out. They fit well, they were made well, and they were comfortable. Unfortunately, the military sole was slicker than goose shit on anything wet. Rock, tile floors, skulls, everything. So I gave them to a buddy, who promptly began to bitch about the same problem.  Long story short, Swingin’ Dick finally gave me a pair of Lowa Uplanders to try out. After hosing out the smell of rotting corpses with a gallon of Lysol, I was ready to try the otherwise new boots out for a bit.

The day I laced them on, I knew there was no going back. It was like Odin himself had cobbled these boots together by candle light in the halls of Valhalla, just for my feet!

Ol’ Slim here has humped a metric shit-ton of miles in substandard boots. Climbed hundreds of mountains, trampled dozens of weak bastards sucking in their dying breath- all in shitty boots. Because once you lace a pair of these clodhoppers on, you realize ALL OTHER BOOTS are a waste of damn time. They all suck, every single other pair you have ever worn in your entire life. If you are ever smart or lucky enough to find yourself in a pair, I’m sure you will say the same! Kilgore and myself have worn boots for a living our entire adult lives. Hell, I started wearing Jungles like a motard boot when I was just a kid.  They have always been my favorite, and the standard all other boots are judged. The old Black jungle boots (and the CTAP issue desert equivalent) were the best. Like tennis shoes with a monster truck tread, light and flexible. Running wasn’t an issue at all. Then our beloved Corps went and screwed us all with heavy crap boots with bullshit soles and cheap stitching. No surprise there.

Anyway, these Uplanders smoke check even my trusty old jungles. No comparison, they are by far the most comfortable boots I have ever worn.  Swingin’ Dick handed them over back in November, and there hasn’t been a day since that I haven’t worn em’.  Since then, I’ve humped over 75 miles in full pack, zero blisters. I’ve covered a few hundred miles of road, sidewalk, trail, streambed, mud pit, swamp, and mountainside. Over loose shale ridgeline, wet granite boulders, steep muddy drawls, Ice covered slopes, Nothing. – No slipping what so ever. I have yet to slide and bust my ass even once. They are very supporting of your ankle, due to the ability to lace them tightly with the mountaineering style lacing system. You can adjust the tension at different parts of the boot to avoid rolling your ankle, to avoid hot spots and pinch points, or just remain comfortable.

Leaving your bag in the middle of the night to take a piss? They slide on like a pair of slippers, left unlaced. Walk around and air your dogs out without fully compromising your readiness.

The kicks are rugged. After all the abuse I’ve put the, through the last few months, they still look brand new. Not a single stitch has torn out, and the tread hasn’t shown the least bit of wear. A close friend, one of the first to drop JDAMS on the AQ in the beginning of OEF has been wearing a pair of Lowas for years now. After three tours to Afghan, they are showing signs of use. But they still have plenty of life left! I should have listened to him years ago about picking up a pair. It makes me angry just thinking about how stupid I was not to heed my fellow doorkicker’s advice. And that smug bastard Kilgore has been rubbing it in ever since I said something close to “thanks” for hooking me up. For a full height boot, they are amazingly light. Like lighter than jungle boots light. They are warm in the winter with appropriate socks, and completely waterproof. Usually waterproof boots make my feet sweat like a hooker in church, but not these kicks. Bone dry with lighter socks and a little foot powder.

My only complaint would be the laces. They are thin, and feel like they are made out of cotton. About 50 miles in, I replaced them with 550 cord. Its SOP for me, I do it with all my boots. The Uplanders didn’t need it. Most people will tell ya I’m paranoid in more ways than one. It doesn’t hurt to have the extra cordage.  So in conclusion, go buy a pair. Did I stutter? Quit reading this shit, and order a pair now! You won’t regret it. As for this side of the Duo, it’s doubtful you’ll catch this handsome death dealer in anything else. Check em out! They even look HSLD!

-Slim out.


Lowa Boots: read more about other styles.

Lowa is online:

Buy the best tactical gear - click the links for locations. Wanna buy ’em? 

If you’re looking to purchase a pair and support the site, check ’em out via any of the following links:

Lowa Boots on Amazon.

Lowa Boots on Midway USA.

Lowa Boots on Optics Planet.

Lowa Boots at US Elite Gear.

Jake "Slim" Call

Jake "Slim" Call

About the Author

Jake "Slim" Call is one of the two most famous action figures in the world. Contrary to what Swingin' Dick says, he does not like fat chicks. Slim has been a part of Breach-Bang-Clear since about '05, and since then has traveled around the world spreading awesomeness, fighting evil and putting single dancing moms through college. Slim hates hippies, sissies and when the MRE Tabasco leaks into the toilet paper and dries there but you don't realize it until its too late. Together with his comrade Richard "Swingin' Dick Kilgore" Slim manages and directs an eeeelight blogging team of writers that thinks you can be a warrior and a patriot and still be amenable to civil discourse. Incorrigibility breeds contempt.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular Articles

desert camo tracksuit gif

Can Cooker Trailblazer gif. Reads: Turn up the heat. Trailblazer bundle. Only $80.  Order bundle. back Breach-Bang-Clear

Find what’s in stock, and where, and compare prices. 

⚠️ Some hyperlinks in this article may contain affiliate links. If you use them to make a purchase, we will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. It’s just one way to Back the Bang. #backthebang 

Get Patched In

Wretched Minion Patch