We like to crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and of course hear the lamentations of their women as much as the next guy. But that’s not all that’s best in life. Spending time with your spawn, the spawn of your siblings and your those of your friends should never be foregone. Today we’re going to let our wretched editor tell you about something he does with his minions on occasion. And maybe it would suit your progeny to feed them in a chaotic and entertaining way before sending them out to “…tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under their sandalled feet…” Mad Duo
I’m not sure how it all started, but the first one I can remember was at least a decade ago. My spawn and his friend loved it. The next time we invited nieces and nephews and other flotsam of the family and neighborhood. They loved it too. The tradition continues to this day.
The idea is pretty simple.
Rally your minions. Prepare a meal and put it in front of them (starving them for a few days prior the way you would a pit-fighting dog is never a bad idea). Let them eat BUT…allow them no utensils. Everything must be eaten by hand. They have to tear off chunks of chicken (the drumsticks always go first), rip away pieces of bread and smear butter on it with their fingers…you get the idea.
The pictures you see here are from our most recent Barbarian Night, wherein several chickens, a couple pounds of fried potatoes, much corn on the cob, several loaves of warm bread and a couple ice cream pies were savagely ripped asunder and devoured.
Watching one kid slop fistfuls of fried potatoes onto other kids’ plates was worth the price of admission itself.
Be forewarned: it will, as you might expect, be extremely messy. That, of course, is entirely the point (see below for some lessons learned). There’s really not much more to it. I have a few suggestions for you based on hard experience, if you are interested.
1. Make sure Household-6 (or the Residential Sergeant Major, whatever you call her) is not home. She may say she’s down with Barbarian Night and may even help prepare the feast, but when push comes to shove and they’re wearing as much as they’re eating she will be unable to retain her equanimity.
2. Stick with your basic beef/poultry/pork for your main course, whether turkey legs or a pig with an apple in its mouth. Whatever, just so long as it’s the charred flesh of something that had a parent. We did it once with spaghetti. It was a blast, but the carnage afterward wasn’t pretty.
3. Knives should be optional based on age. Sure, barbarians used daggers, sgian-dubhs and the like to carve off the occasional aurochs haunch, but in the fog of war that is a multiple child Barbarian Night it’s best not to tempt fate with Ka-Bars. This is not to say that watching your kid carve into a pork loin with a big fixed blade isn’t cathartic of course, it is. However, there is something to be said for watching them tear bloody gobbets off with their teeth. Even if they have to do it from a roast you’ve hacked into more manageable pieces.
4. If you can get mugs or tankards to drink out of, do it. If not, stick with glass bottles. I’m not sure why but that’s always the most popular.
5. Playing a soundtrack by Basil Poledouris or Hans Zimmer in the background is optional but highly recommended.
6. Ice cream or frozen desserts may seem problematic but trust me – the feasters will persevere.
Anyway, this isn’t the most important op-ed or socially significant article we’ve ever run but we thought you might be interested. If you have the chance over the next couple weeks while the kids are out of school, give Barbarian Night a try. You’ll probably have a great time and I know they will.
About the Author:
Someone has to corral the writing team, handle business expenses and bail the Mad Duo (and their minions) out of jail. For years the Pentagon and the International Association of Chiefs of Police sought an impeccable man to lead the pedagogic and frequently obstreperous team of Breach Bang Clear writers. They needed someone charismatic, a warrior, able to maintain mental acuity under the worst stressors Courage, integrity, cunning, tact and decisiveness. Unfortunately the program suffered severe budget cuts so they ended up with David Reeder.
The Mad Duo’s Chief Wretched Flunky and Breach-Bang-Clear’s HMFIC. A LEO for many years and former AF Security Forces SNCO, his mastery of tactical sesquipedalianism is unmatched in modern times. He’s a self-professed POG who taught MOUT at the Bold Lighting Urban Warfare School and later combat tracking to members of all branches. As a LEO he worked patrol, training, SWAT and counter-narcotics and was on the OC-evaluation team at the National Homeland Security Training Center. You can read more about him here.