Advice to poseurs from a combat veteran

POSEUR: pō-ˈzər, ˈpō-zər Yes that’s really how you spell it, though we’ll let “poser” slide. A person who pretends to be what he or she is not:  an affected or insincere person. Someone guily of stolen valor, or even less than an ersatz hero (grunts: ersatz). Someone who wears a uniform he has no right to wear; a fucktard or assclown. In short, someone who really should choke on a whole bag of dicks. Here’s some friendly advice from Mad Duo Chris Hernandez – and as you’ll see below, it’s for poseurs from other countries too. The Mad Duo.

Some Friendly Advice to Aspiring Military Poseurs from a Combat Veteran

Folks, our nation is in the grip of a serious crisis. We’ve seen evidence of this crisis many times in the last few months. This isn’t something we can ignore. People are hurting, and we have to do something about it.

The crisis? Military posers keep screwing up their tales of imaginary heroism, getting caught in stupid lies, and publicly shaming themselves. It’s honestly embarrassing. Posers are supposed to be master manipulators, but they aren’t acting like evil masterminds lately. They seem more like Gary Coleman in an ill-fitting Mister T costume.

In a story about fake Medal of Honor recipients, Andy Rooney said it best. “They often seem more pathetic than criminal.” These guys are just pathetic. And I think they can do better.

So work with me, people. We can’t let eager, semi-honest, kindhearted posers suffer needless abuse at the hands of actual veterans (like the “EOD Ranger Master Sergeant” who got busted by a real Ranger at a California college). It’s time for us to step in, give these poor posers a few important tips, and help them live their American Dream of stealing other people’s valor.

You might be saying to yourself, “Well of course I want to help posers! Who wouldn’t? But gee, why would Chris suddenly decide to speak out about this?”

Fair question. While I’ve long been a tireless advocate for our poser population, I’ve generally kept quiet about it (you know, the whole “don’t brag about your charity” thing). But a few days ago I stopped at a gas station, in my Army uniform. The clerk, who was wearing hipster clothes and had long messy hair and a beard, asked if I was in the National Guard. I said yes.

He told me he was an active duty Marine. But he didn’t know his MOS. And the work he did was so secret, he didn’t even know what unit he was assigned to.

As he told me his story, I wondered, “How could America have failed so miserably? Has our educational system sunk so low, posers aren’t even able to make up decent lies about their nonexistent military service?” I mean, if he had told me even a halfway believable story, it would have restored my faith. He could have claimed an IED went off in his helmet during the Battle of Fallujah off the coast of Afghanistan in 2012, and I would have bought it. But claiming to be an active duty Marine, while dressed like a hipster? Who would believe that nonsense?

So I’m taking action. I’m not going to stand by and do nothing as posers shame themselves and all their kind by telling blatantly stupid lies that nobody would ever believe. I want to teach them to lie in at least a semi-convincing manner. We’ll set the bar low; if they can trick journalists, anti-war activists and VA psychologists, I’ll call that a win.

With that said, let’s discuss my Friendly Advice for Aspiring Military Posers.

Do you even Liberty 1
Do you even Liberty?

First tip: please, posers, do not approach actual military people and throw down your ridiculous stories. I don’t quite get why you guys do this, but it seems like pretty much all of you are drawn to real veterans. I’ve been approached by a fake Medal of Honor recipient/former POW/former USMC sniper/Silver Star recipient/Purple Heart recipient who “just wanted to thank me for my service”. I had the misfortune of meeting a fake Special Forces veteran/Silver Star recipient/PTSD sufferer who actually started an organization to counsel veterans with PTSD, and worked his way into giving PTSD classes to a large police department. At a restaurant, a five foot nothing fat guy told me he was retired SF, then didn’t know what an ODA was. And this week I had this gas station clerk who decided, for whatever reason, to try his lies on a uniformed senior NCO with a combat patch and Combat Action Badge.

Posers, you need to understand this. If you drop your stupid “I was an Apache door gunner” story on the average Ivy-League educated reporter, they’ll believe it. So will the hippie college chick who just knows all military guys are murderous babykillers with PTSD, because one of her friends in college used to know someone whose brother was in the Army in the 90’s or something. It might even work on the loudmouth 400 pound “Delta Force vet” showing off his tricked out Hi-Point carbine at the range. But it doesn’t work on guys who actually know something about the military.

As I told the gas station clerk, “You’re lucky I’m a calm guy, because other vets would have hit you already.” Don’t ignore this piece of advice, posers. If you lie to a real vet, and he knocks all your f**king teeth out, I’ll just feel crushed. So please limit your audience to nonveterans, but only those who are even stupider than you.

Second tip: for god’s sake, please do at least some basic research about military training. If you announce “I was a Green Beret” at a bar to get free drinks, and someone asks you where you went to selection, at least know the name of one actual military base. I’d be embarrassed for you if your response was a blank, stupid stare. But if you gave a reasonable, realistic answer like “Shepherd Air Force Base”, you’ll be happily drunk on free alcohol all night.

Actually, just remember that one base. For your entire poser career, whenever anyone asks you where you went to selection, or BUDS, or sniper school, or submarine commander training, answer “Shepherd Air Force Base”. It’s guaranteed to work.

Tip three: real military guys always carry their ID. But you don’t have an ID, because you’re a lying sack of crap who never served. So you need to make an ID, pronto.

Fortunately, this is easily solved. Military IDs are just laminated pieces of construction paper without bar codes, chips or other security features. Really. You’ve probably never seen a real military ID, and of course I would never lie to you. So trust me on this.

All you have to do is cut out a little square of construction paper (preferably pink; all real high-speed Tier One operators have pink IDs) and glue your picture to it. Make sure it’s a real “cool guy” picture, like one of you in a Marine uniform wearing a Green Beret with a SEAL trident on it. Type your name on it, and below that type “Top Secret MK Ultra Clearance” and “1000 confirmed kills”. And have it laminated at Wal-Mart. Not only will that ID convince any veteran that you were “in the sh*t”, it’ll also get you access into any secure military facility anywhere in America.

Fourth tip: always always always claim to be some type of Special Operations veteran. You see, in the real military only SF types serve in combat. The rest of us mope around base lamenting our status as regular, unimportant nobodies who contribute nothing to the war effort. Whenever we regular vets hang out, we refuse to look each other in the eye because we’re so ashamed we weren’t SEALs. Don’t dare claim to be some useless infantryman, or truck driver, or supply clerk, or any of the other troops who make up the vast majority of service members.

The safest and most effective answer is “I was Special Forces.”

Besides that, since you know nothing about the military, you’ll only confuse yourself with specifics. You can’t claim to be a mechanic if you don’t know what to answer when someone asks “What kind of mechanic? Wheeled vehicle? Tracks? Generator?” The safest and most effective answer is “I was Special Forces.” Everyone around will automatically have an uncontrollable orgasm when they find out they’re in the presence of a real SF cool guy. It doesn’t matter if you’re only eighteen years old, your waist size equals your height, or you don’t even know what color beret a Green Beret wears. Always say you’re SF.

Five: when you’re asked “Where in Iraq were you?”, you can’t just say “Baghdad”. You have to name a base. Lucky for you, all our bases in combat zones are given ultra-tough names, and you can come up with one of those on the spot. When you’re questioned, just say “Combat Camp Cutthroat” or “Firebase Murder”. Or even better, “Special Forces Kill Camp 201”. Even a real SF veteran will say, “Oh, that sounds real. I guess I just never heard of it.”

Six: if you wear a uniform in public, you must pin every possible piece of flair to it. Remember Master Sergeant Soup Sandwich, who arrived at an Infantry Basic Training Graduation at Ft Benning wearing this uniform?

Know how he got pegged as a poser? He didn’t put enough crap on his uniform. There’s no SEAL Trident, no Combat Tanker Badge, no Hero of the Soviet Union medal, no Ugandan Jump Wings. How can anyone take a poser seriously if they only wear fifty pieces of flair and not sixty?

When in doubt, add more flair. Make this your Golden Rule, posers.

Final tip, and this is the most important one. Remember, I truly want you worthless, mentally deficient pieces of crap to succeed. I fought for your freedom to claim my wartime service as your own, and I expect you to make the best of that freedom. So I want you to find a mirror, and use it. Look yourself in the eyes and say “I’m a thieving, lying scumbag. I’m stealing valor from good, honest men and women who served, fought, suffered, bled and died for me. I don’t deserve praise, I deserve to have my ass kicked.” Then put on your fake uniform, straighten your green beret, polish the black boots you wear with your ACUs, and walk out the door intent on proving just what a gigantic bag of sh*t you really are.

Make us proud, posers. You can do it. I believe in you.

 

Mad Duo Chris

Chris Hernandez Mad Duo Chris, seen here on patrol in Afghanistan) may just the crustiest old member of the eeeee-LIGHT writin’ team here at Breach-Bang-Clear. He is a veteran of both the Marine Corps and the Army National Guard who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also a veteran police officer of nearly two decades who spent a long (and eye-opening) deployment as part of a UN police mission in Kosovo. He is the author of White Flags & Dropped Rifles – the Real Truth About Working With the French Army and The Military Within the Military as well as the modern military fiction novels Line in the Valley and Proof of Our Resolve. When he isn’t groaning about a change in the weather and snacking on Osteo Bi-Flex he writes on his own blog, Iron Mike Magazine, Kit Up! and Under the Radar. You can find his author page here on Tactical 16.

Mad Duo, Breach-Bang-CLEAR!

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