Thirsty Thursday – The Old Fashioned

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Thirsty Thursday: The Old Fashioned

Jordan Dezuba

Recently here at the Breach Bang Clear HQ, we sat down and evaluated the breadth of content we cover. Our pontifications run the gamut from all things pew to stabby stuff, the newest gear in the industry, and the occasional babesaurus rex thrown into the mix.

But something’s missing. Something so prevalent and integral to our way of life that we’re flabbergasted by its omission from the site. Something that no industry get together, unit function, or ‘Merica-as-fuck BBQ goes without.

If you guessed booze, congratulations, you’re both correct and probably our kind of people. Even if we have a few teetotalers in the mix.

In an effort to kick this weekly (or whenever-I’m-sober-enough-to-type) series off right, I’ve decided that there is no better suited libation than bourbon whiskey.

Why Bourbon?

Because it’s an all-American, commie-choking, make-you-into-a-man nectar of the gods that we all know and love. That’s why. If you don’t love it, then you’re wrong, pee sitting down, and no one values your opinion, Ivan. Even if you don’t particularly care for the taste, you have to appreciate what it is and represents.

Bourbon is the byproduct of westward expansion, over-production, and immigrants looking to make a new life for themselves… and, of course, to get drunk as fuck. What’s more American than that? Let’s face it, being a farmer in Kentucky (then Bourbon County, Virginia) had to be pretty boring. I can’t think of a better way to forget that you’re a farmer in Kentucky than to slug down a fifth of hooch, stumble deliriously to your straw bed, and pass out alongside your nine kids and family mule.

Now, on to how bourbon is the most American thing you can drink. “But what about Budweiser?”, you cry. Sit on your hands, don’t touch anything, and keep quiet. Men are talking. Bourbon is in fact the most American thing you can drink.

In 1964 Congress recognized bourbon as a uniquely American product, and dubbed it the only native American spirit. The Federal Standards of Identity for Distilled Spirits (27 CFR 5.22) governs exactly how whiskey is to be distilled, casked, and bottled in order to even be considered a bourbon. Bourbon can ONLY be made in the United States using ONLY natural ingredients. So for all you health fanatics out there, it may not be the best thing for your liver, but at least it’s natural!

I’m sure you don’t just want a history lesson on the particulars of this fine amber-colored freedom juice. You want to know about the modern day we live in. Well, you’re in luck!

Bourbon is making a resurgence in local watering holes and liquor stores. So whether you prefer to pay $60 and waste 45 minutes to have some bearded, man-bunned, skinny-jeans-wearing mixologist use ethically-sourced organic mint leaves from the steppes of Peru (which he climbed to hand-pick) to make your drink while he gets your significant other’s number, or you’d rather sit at home drunkenly shouting at your cats that you’re a fucking war hero who never got his due credit, you can now enjoy more variety than ever when it comes to bourbon.

“But how can we enjoy bourbon on these hot summer days?”

Fret not, you sweaty lushes, I’ve got the medicine to slake your thirst! I don’t usually do this on a first date, but since you’re special and it’s our first time together, I’m going to bestow upon you my particular recipe for an Old Fashioned.

Ingredients:

2-2.5 shots of bourbon (I used my particular favorite, Bulleit)

Angostura bitters

2 Maraschino cherries

½ orange slice

1 tbsp. sugar (brown or white, doesn’t matter, just depends on particular taste)

½ shot of water

Directions:

Put sugar, a few drops of Angostura bitters and water into your glass. Use a spoon or muddler to crush the sugar until it’s dissolved into the water and bitters. Squeeze your ½ slice of orange into said glass. Drop the orange (or just the peel) into the glass. Squeeze and drop your two cherries. Add your desired amount of bourbon to taste. Throw in a few ice cubes to chill, and enjoy that bad bitch.

You’ve just made an Old Fashioned, one of the oldest and manliest cocktails in existence. Don’t think it’s manly? Don Draper crushes these for breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies and every other meal throughout the day.

So get out there this weekend, enjoy the sunshine, BBQs, and scantily-clad gun bunnies, and do so with the classiest American beverage on God’s green earth! Tune in next week, or whenever I get around to writing another one, to see what I’ve got in the mix for red-blooded, barrel-chested, American freedom fighters.

Breach, bang and clear!

Jordan Dezuba

Rocky…road?!

Why come to visit our double secret closed and private discussion group? Because of the Morningwood Bazaar and the conversation, obviously. 

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Disclaimer: We are not endorsing Nancy’s Squat & Gobble, nor do the opinions therein reflect those of the entire Breach-Bang-Clear staff. That said, while Nancy’s is indeed a shady place, only a few people have actually gotten food poisoning there, and most of the girls have all their teeth. The one-legged bartender really does make a mean Old Fashioned, and if you ask nicely she’ll even do it with burnt rosemary smoke.

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3 thoughts on “Thirsty Thursday – The Old Fashioned

  • November 2, 2017 at 10:34 pm
    Permalink

    Let’s go with “peated,” although “pleated whiskey” sounds pretty funky…

    Reply
  • November 2, 2017 at 10:33 pm
    Permalink

    May I refer you guys to the DEAD RABBIT DRINK MANUAL? The Wild Irish Rose is one heck of a drink, especially with pleated Irish whiskey…

    Michael B

    Reply
  • November 2, 2017 at 4:26 pm
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    Now you’re DRINKIN’!

    I find it best to make ’em by the small pitcher full when Q’ing! Maybe a big pitcher full if you got buddies helpin’.

    Scored a couple of bottles of Blanton’s today…now I know what I’m drinkin’ tonight!

    Reply

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