It’s time for the new season of the Mad Duo’s Tactical Game of Thrones. Many of you who have been following us for long enough will recall that last April we began casting our “Tactical Game of Thrones” series, wherein we choose members of the tactical/firearms community (the “industry”) to play roles as portrayed in the HBO series (not the book). Lots of our readers are also fans of Game of the Thrones and the Tactical Game of Thrones articles wound up being surprisingly popular (much to our surprise). Here’s a quick overview of who we cast last season. We’ll run the next installment soon. Here, in particular order of importance (we may run House/political or regional specials later) are a few of the stars from the upcoming Breach Bang Clear presents: Tactical Game of Thrones.
Oh, if you have any idea who the original artist was who did this picture of Sansa, let us know. It’s awesome and we’d like to give them credit. Edit: Looks like original came from this artist, “Slothmaker.” Very nice!
Ned Stark, the Lord of House Stark and Warden of the North (before becoming the King’s Hand) was to be played by Joey Boswell of War Sport LLC. It may seem a little incongrous, the Lord of Winterfell saying Winter is Coming in a North Carolina drawl but it will all work out. He’s got just the stern and disapproving look we need if we can keep him from smiling. (Grunts: incongruous)
Jon Snow, another character who is substantially more mature on the series than the books, will be played in our feature film presentation by Tom Fineis, formerly Raven Concealment Systems staffer possibly turned Breach-Bang-Clear reporter at large (that’s what a rumor says anyway). Tom will be a great fit in this show, as he is rather too pretty for anyone’s peace of mind. He spends a lot of time around a redhead, practices scowling daily, speaks in short sharp sentences and has superb hair that is suitable for all but the most elaborate coiffure. In short, he’s perfect for the role. (Grunts: coiffure
Ser Jaime Lannister “the Kingslayer” of the Kingsguard is the smirking oldest son of Lord Tywin Lannister of House Lannister. He’s too pretty, too dangerous and too cocky. Oh, and he’s having an incestuous relationship with his twin sister. Naturally we thought of the smirking Jamie Wehmeyer of Sierra Hotel Manufacturing right off, though that may be at least partly because Slim thought incestuous was actually a synonym for masturbation. Jamie (who among other things can use the word malthusianism in a sentence for no apparent reason and always goes as Ian Astbury for Halloween) will have to dye his hair to play Jaime but we think he can pull it off. (Grunts: the definition of malthusianism isn’t really important; it’s more disturbing that he knows it at all.) Grunts: malthusianism.
Melisandre: the Red Woman
First, as Melisandre “the Red Woman” we have secured the classically trained acting skills of Michael Goerlich, HMFIC at Raven Concealment Systems. He was the obvious choice, for reasons too numerous to mention. Melisandre is a priestess of R’hllor and a Shadowbinder. Ruthless and cruel in her battle against the forces of darkness, she has taken the side of Stannis Baratheon not in the War of Five Kings but in the greater war of good vs. evil. She is described as having “…long hair the color of burnished copper and pale, unblemished skin…” Michael is a more than proficient tactical shooter and a Kydex-binder. He is ruthless and cruel in his battle against those who would defame or defile Cracker Barrels and he spares no pity for the foolishness of assclowns. Michael has short hair the color of…well, red hair and pale, unblemished skin.
Sansa Stark (our version)
Next up we have cast our very own staff writer Mad Duo Minion “Ell P” as Sansa Stark, eldest daughter of Eddard Stark and the darling of Winterfell. However, since Sansa was a bit too girly for our movie (and because it would be criminal to cast Ellen as Loras Tyrell) we decided to make Sansa a beautiful warrior princess with a penchant for slaughter. This will mean in our movie Sansa would kick the living shit out of King Joffrey and hack her way to freedom from King’s Landing, so there will have to be some story revision and poetic license…we’ll sort it though.
Ser Barristan Selmy. The greatest bad ass knight in Westeros, played by the greatest bad ass in the Marine Corps (at least in recent history).
Who better to play Barristan the Bold than Gen. James “Chaos Actual” Mattis? Squire of Manfred Swann, knighted by Aegon V, slew Maelys the Monstrous and was Lord Commander of the Kingsguard…his role fulfilled by the man who was in charge of one of the battalions of Task Force Ripper during the Gulf War, then later led I MEF and 1 MARDIV during the Iraq War and ultimately commanded CENTCOM. There isn’t anybody better, that’s the point. Granted he’s not “in the industry”, but YOU tell him he can’t be in our movie.
Jeor Mormont, former Lord of House Mormont, bannermen to the Starks and masters of Bear Island, is now the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch (the 997th, depending on which canon you believe). This role was to be played by crusty, salt of the earth genuinely nice sumbitch Gene Higdon, founder and former HMFIC (he’s now retired) of HSGI Gear. He’s perfect to portray our our gruffy and shaggy “Old Bear”, defending Castle Black, eschewing bath water and fighting Wildlings. We don’t really need to explain why – anyone that knows Gene knows he’s the perfect metaphor for warriorly curmudgeon. He’s perfect for this role as long as he keeps his clothes on. (Grunts: curmudgeon)
Benjen Stark, First Ranger of the Night’s Watch, will be played by our ole buddy Chris Costa of Costa Ludus. There are three orders within the Night’s Watch – Builders, Stewards and Rangers. Benjen is the leader of the latter, answerable only to the Lord Commander. A doughty warrior (grunts: doughty), Benjen Stark is Lord Eddard Stark’s younger brother and it was he who Jon Snow sought to emulate. Personally we think he’s going to wind up being the thing they later call Coldhands, but who knows. We reckon Chris Costa, who has almost as many facial expressions as Derek Zoolander, will be perfect as Benjen Stark.
Mag Mar Tun Doh Weg: Mag the Mighty
This picture (the one on the right, if you were confused) may not actually be a picture of Mag Mar Tun Doh Weg, “Mag the Mighty”, King (sort of) of the Giants, but it’s the closest thing we had. The feller on the left is GW Ayers, and he is perfect for the role of giant. GW is one of the HMFICs of Tactical Tailor and one of the reasons they’ve been as successful as they have. He’s amiable but ferocious at need, huge, somewhat smelly and possessed of prodigious strength. (Grunts: prodigious.) There are but few giants north of the Wall, but they are there, and they ride woolly mammoths into battle. GW rides a Harley and used to ride a Stryker, but same difference.
Tormund GiantsBane is one of the most likable of the Free Folk (we never cared for the Magnar of Thenn). He’s the Tall-talker, Horn-blower and Breaker of Ice, Husband to Bears, the Mead-king of Ruddy Hall, Speaker to Gods and Father of Hosts. Tormund is a solid comrade and a great warrior who bathes at least once a season whether he needs it or not. In those respects he is exactly like our staunch, hirsute companion Eric Cashion of Confederate Forge. (Grunts: hirsute.) He didn’t scale the wall in the book (remember Grigg the Goat?) but then Orell should’ve already been dead so why quibble over details?
Robb Stark, Lord Eddard’s oldest son and heir to Winterfell was be played by Erik “Trek” Utrecht of the Michigan Defensive Firearms Institute. Though the Robb Stark of GRRM’s books wasn’t a desultory artist, nor did he smoke a cigar, it’s all good. He was just a teenage kid in the books anyway so we’re taking some creative license. Like Ned Stark, Trek is an well dressed and affable if dimwitted fellow who can roused to righteous fury given the right reason. (Grunts: desultory)
We’ll close with a quick look at the Lord Commander and First Ranger of the Night’s Watch back before Robert visited Winterfell, before Jon Snow traveled north to the wall and long before the Old Bear sent Benjen looking for Ser Waymar Royce. As you can tell here, it was important that they work well together. Though the black brothers don’t normally take part in tourneys, maybe this was a fluke after one of the big ones held at White Harbor? Nah. Prob’ly took place after a long night with the ‘ladies’ of Mole Town.
Monitor this frequency for updates on our movie. As soon as we have more tactical industry talent booked and contractually obliged we’ll let you know. Meantime remember – the best single dancing moms in King’s Landing probably work for Littlefinger, but that’s no reason not to put them to work.
Mad Duo, Breach-Bang-CLEAR!
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