Red Dawn Redux: Looks worse than we thought

(Note: the official Red Dawn trailer will premiere tomorrow morning on Yahoo Movies, if you're interested.)

So, as you may have heard, they're remaking Red Dawn. Actually they already did remake Red Dawn, they're just now releasing it. There haven't been any real trailers to date, just conjecture and well-deserved mockery but they HAVE now put out a movie poster…it looks even worse than we expected, though in fairness you can't judge a flop by its poster. Certainly it will be hard to go one better than the cult classic of the 80s, but who knows? The North Koreans might make good villains; maybe they actually survived the deadly attentions of Team America and have come looking for some payback. (Which makes us wonder…will Matt Damon fight against us alongside his North Korean friends?)

If you're not familiar with the history of this movie, it was supposed to come out a couple of years ago. However, MGM had some financial trouble and then the studio decided that making Chinese the villains was a Bad Idea. Since the Canadians look too much like us to be effective opponents and the French would surrender to three midgets with a tomahawk (much less a motivated band of American partisans) they went to the next best choice: North Korea. Because when they're not starving to death or watching downloaded American porn, they're plotting how to invade CONUS.

(If you want the pre-North Korean plot line explained, the one that had Chinese taking over the country after deploying EMP weapons against us, you might read this article here; there are spoilers, but presumably everything won't be exactly the same since now we're duking it out with North Koreans.)

Synopis: Elite units of North Korean SOF troops under the command of Shao Khan, Kim Jong's clone and Prince Zuko first infiltrate Washington state and then airdrop several divisions of regular troops in to control the Pacific NW (probably for the coffee, if not for access to the hippie chicks in Portland.) They are supplied by subversive anti-American elements led by the Screen Actors Guild and given interpreters by Westboro Baptist Church.

Hey, on an aside, here's a question…if you eat a Chinese stripper, will you get hungry again later? Yes, that was a cunnilingus joke. (Grunts: cunnilingus.)

We digress. The cast in this might help make up for a lack of writing; Chris Hemsworth isn't too bad a choice and we'd happily enjoy some funtime bouncy-bouncy with Adrianne Palicki and Isabel Lucas. Connor Cruise, Tom's son, is in the movie too (his dad plays one of aforementioned midgets with a tomahawk).

This might not be as bad as it looks, but we're not betting on it…in point of fact, we're hoping it sucks, because you guys know how much we like craptastic movies. They're almost as much fun as big girls working the dancing pole, if somewhat less expensive.

We'll let you know what else we hear when we hear it.

Mad Duo clear

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Swingin' Dick

Richard "Swingin' Dick" Kilgore is half of the most storied celebrity action figure team in the world (and the half that doesn't prefer BBWs). He believes in American Exceptionalism, America, holding the door for any woman (lady or whore) and the idea that you should be held accountable for what comes out of your fucking mouth. Swingin' Dick has been a warrior gyrovague for many years now and is, apparently, impossible to kill -- he once had a complete body transplant after an IED hit the gun truck in which he was riding. True story, one of the Cav guys mailed his head and arm home. Swingin' Dick comes from a long line of soldiers and LEOs (his Great Uncle commanded an Air Cav battalion in Vietnam and his many times removed great grandfather was one of the few original Burt Mossman era Arizona Rangers). Swingin' Dick detests Joy Behar and Chris Matthews almost as much as he enjoys traveling the world to crush crime vice and evil. He believes the opportunity to lead eeeelight team of Breach Bang Clear minions is the most improbably awesome thing an action figure has ever done and he's immensely proud of his perfect hair. Loyalty and respect should start from the top down.


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