Obama Urges Dual Wielding as Answer to Magazine Concerns

President Barack Obama recently took a few minutes out from golfing with some black guy who got in trouble with his wife to talk to reporters about gun control, his backswing, his favorite tactical drills and sequestration. One thing briefly discussed led to a startling revelation – POTUS dual wields. The unexpected look into Obama’s recreational shooting came during a discussion about magazine capacity, which has been one of the more contentious issues of the national debate on gun control.  This was, predictably, one of the first issues that came up during the President’s impromptu press conference near the 12TH hole.

“Let me be clear,” he told those gathered around. He wasn’t condescending at all, and true to his legendary abilities as a statesman he managed to smirk smile and not look anyone in the eye. “Make no mistake. Change isn’t easy. It won’t happen overnight. There will be setbacks and false starts…but…these things are…slaughtering our children…we’ll implement some commons sense controls. Nobody needs high capacity assault massacre magazines. I think we all agree on that. I am totally committed to gun control.”

“Question,” One reporter then asked. “What if there is a need for more bullets? What if you’re defending against multiple opponents, don’t criminals sometimes travel in packs greater than one? Or what if  the criminal doesn’t immediately succumb to the bullets he’s hit with because he’s on drugs? Isn’t it true that it often takes multiple rounds to stop a suspect’s actions and that even police officers have been killed by criminals that had already been shot several times? And anyway, take out the emotional issue of it being guns, isn’t this a Constitutional issue? I mean, if you can redefine the Second Amendment when it suits you, couldn’t you to the same with the Thirteenth, or any of them for that matter?”

“It’s a problem I inherited,” the President replied, nodding sagely, “but it’s common sense and listen…”

That’s when Obama surprised everyone with his preference for a two-gun combo. “Listen,” he said, waving around with pew pew pew gestures, “when I go out to the Hogan’s Alley at Camp David and I’m laying down the hate with the Secret Service agents and that one weird mumbling guy, I just carry two guns. Revolvers, uh, they only have six or, uh, seven bullets, so I dual wield. That way I don’t have to have any high capacity clips and slaughter anybody.”

A visibly confounded Jay Carney refused to speculate later about what caliber or model of revolver the President preferred. Calls placed to former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs were not immediately returned, hopefully because somebody finally throat-punched that smarmy bug-eyed albino cocksucker.

Though the President was available for further questions, Vice President “Shotgun Joe” Biden happily chimed in from Bethesda, where he was receiving his routine cholinesterase inhibitor treatement. “Hell yes, I dual wield too sometimes,” he said. “I told Jilly, carry a side-by-side in one hand and an over-under in the other. They’re easier to aim than an Ay Ar Fifteen.”

Later that afternoon Taliban spokesman Zabihullah Mujahid said something really important during a live interview with a PTV anchor in Lahore but nobody fucking know about it because the US news agencies  are focused on some dickhead in South Africa who killed his girlfriend, a silly git who killed her boyfrienda Senator drinking water from a bottle, Michelle Obama mom-dancing with Jimmy Fallon and the top five mistakes on American Idol. Meanwhile US troops are conducting combat operations in several countries on at least two continents, drone strikes are killing civilians (including Americans) and there are now more murders per capita in northern Mexico – along the southern border of the United States – than in many African countries.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled bread and circuses.


Mad Duo, Breach-Bang-CLEAR

Swingin' Dick

Richard "Swingin' Dick" Kilgore is half of the most storied celebrity action figure team in the world (and the half that doesn't prefer BBWs). He believes in American Exceptionalism, America, holding the door for any woman (lady or whore) and the idea that you should be held accountable for what comes out of your fucking mouth. Swingin' Dick has been a warrior gyrovague for many years now and is, apparently, impossible to kill -- he once had a complete body transplant after an IED hit the gun truck in which he was riding. True story, one of the Cav guys mailed his head and arm home. Swingin' Dick comes from a long line of soldiers and LEOs (his Great Uncle commanded an Air Cav battalion in Vietnam and his many times removed great grandfather was one of the few original Burt Mossman era Arizona Rangers). Swingin' Dick detests Joy Behar and Chris Matthews almost as much as he enjoys traveling the world to crush crime vice and evil. He believes the opportunity to lead eeeelight team of Breach Bang Clear minions is the most improbably awesome thing an action figure has ever done and he's immensely proud of his perfect hair. Loyalty and respect should start from the top down.

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