We’ve asked this before, we’ll ask it again — are you an American Jedi?
Bring it in nerds, take a knee. We’re going to tell you some stuff you probably already know about Jedis, and a bunch of stuff you probably don’t. People have asked us to go into more detail about this shirt and what it means so today we’re gonna. During this period of instruction you’ll learn about the various types of Jedi, their history, an overview of American Jedi ethos, and of course the shirt we want you buy — portions of which, we should add, will be donated quarterly to assorted pro-American Jedi organizations like SOC-F, the Fisher House and other locations.
What’s a Jedi? Good question, cave-dweller. Let’s answer that for you. We’ll start with some history.
A really, really long time ago, in a place very, very far away there were some badass dudes who were in a group called the Jedi Order. These were some serious, patriotic, operational motherfuckers who studied, served and used the mystical energies of the “Force” in the service of their country. The Force was kind of like a magical code of discipline and loyalty and shit. The Force had two sides, maybe representing the duality of man, maybe just ‘cuz some people are nasty, self-serving vilains.
There was the Dark side, which included Hillary Clinton, soy bacon, gun grabbers, Nazis, hippies and ISIS. Then there was the Light side. For that side think JDAMs, free beer, German shepherd puppies, stacked blondes, muscle cars, Johnny Cash, thick cut steaks, belt fed weapons, CSM (Ret) Frank Grippe, strip clubs with no cover charge, and people who volunteer at the Salvation Army Boys & Girls Club.
So anyway, these pipe hitters followed the light side of the Force, and lived by its code. The weapon of choice for the Jedi was the lightsaber, a weapon with a few more moving parts than an M4. The lightsaber cast this long ass laser, like a sword of pure fucking ‘Merican energy, that would cut through anything. They would chop the shit out of their enemies, and then take hologram-videos of all the headless bad-guy corpses. The holograms were emailed or whatever to the those dead dirtbags’ moms. The Jedi fought for peace and justice in their Republic, usually against their mortal enemies.
Those enemy fuckers hated that the Jedi balled so hard and had cooler gear than them. These fucksticks followed the dark side of the Force, and kept trying unsuccessfully to wipe the Jedi out. After at least three recorded attempts at this, the last Jedi Purge ended in complete defeat of the Dark Side. There was an epic party with Hooters chicks and kegs, and PMO had to come and shut it down. The Jedi commander issued a shitload of NJPs, but it was totally worth it.
The Jedi order continued to live on, even after they became nasty civilians, some of whom it turned out were Jedi material too. Part of the order’s survival was due to the Skywalken family. These dudes were like the best of the best, CAG level doorkickers. They were the commandos of their service. At first Luke Skywalken was a young punk who only joined the Jedi for GI Bill benefits and to get laid (chicks dig robes), but he actually turned out to be good to go. He had some good SNCOs and officers, and all his boys were like, “Quit fucking up bro, you are like, THE ONE.” So after he got his shit wired tight, he passed Jedi Selection and went off to kill like all those taun-taun ridin’ fuckers!
Skywalken is famously quoted for saying, “Remember, an American Jedi fights only as a last resort. If you are forced to draw your lightsaber, you have already forfeited much of your advantage. A Jedi trusts the Force and at first seeks other ways to resolve problems: patience, logic, tolerance, attentive listening, negotiation, persuasion, calming techniques. But there are times when a Jedi must fight. Violence isn’t always the answer, but when it is, it’s the only answer.”
Just because American Jedi don’t go lookin’ for a fight doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy a good one.
This dovetails nicely into our next point. Those Jedi dudes, as badass as they were, are now mostly long gone. But we have their accounts and lessons catalogued away at the Library of Congress, in regimental lore and on fallen officer memorials. West Point, the Citadel, VMI, the Army War College, all still study the Jedis’ famous battles and campaigns, transferring that hard-won knowledge to America’s warfighters. Others are held up as icons of Truth, Justice and the American Way for men and women of all walks of ‘Merican life.
So we ask you this: are you an American Jedi? Someone who follows a code of right, in the overwhelming world of wrong? Do you choose good, over evil? The light over the dark?
If you like to pop AQ or ISIS in the grape with a M110 while riding in a helicopter with Metallica playing through your Peltors, if you love hauling ass with overhead sirens playing the song of your people so you can snatch up or give a dirt nap to some fucker doing wrong, that’s a yes. If you like to kick in doors and smoke sleeping dirtbags with a suppressed MK-18 at 0345 in the morning, that’s a big hell yeah! If you live on nicotine and coffee and run balls out in an emergency vehicle through shitty neighborhoods to rescue people while every other sane person is asleep, and you go home burnt or covered in blood with bloodshot eyes at the end of your shift, then fuckin’ A! If you like to take a huge MRE blocked dump in some dickbag’s backyard, return enemy fire with your M4 while Smitty calls in CAS, and kick in some freedom-hating skulls, guess what motherfucker? You are an American Jedi too!
All our guys and gals in uniform overseas, and the ones wearing blue at home, are part of our Jedi warrior class. Jedis include our CCW carriers, EMTs and Paramedics, even our Scout leaders teaching kids how to sharpen a knife and build a rope bridge. An American Jedi can be a firefighter willing to risk it all to go back inside a blazing house to save a kid, an old grizzled Vietnam vet who scares away a would-be mugger, or a 15-year old boy who holds the door open for an elderly woman. It’s good people, following the code, and helping others. American Jedi include the very best human beings our nation has to offer, and usually that means the bravest and most selfless of them all. If you think you might be an American Jedi, that’s a strong indicator you probably are. Show it with pride by wearing one of new shirts, and when people ask you what it means, tell them.
It’s someone who is selfless, and lives to help others. An American Jedi is someone who does the right thing, even when no one is looking.
You can buy your shirt here — but be an American Jedi even if you choose not to.
Mad Duo, Breach-Bang& CLEAR!
Emergency: Activate firefly, deploy green (or brown) star cluster, get your wank sock out of your ruck and stand by ’til we come get you.