We’ll skip the preamble here and just get right to it. It’s Independence Day. Don’t be an asshat. We saw it on Memorial Day, we’ll see it again on Labor Day, it will no doubt happen again on Veteran’s Day. You know what we mean, and we’re betting you’ve seen examples of it — the folks who just cannot overlook an opportunity to complain, castigate, or demonstrate their superiority.
People are looking for a reason to be outraged, and when better to express that outrage than on a national holiday?
It’s not the Fourth of July, it’s Independence Day! Stop calling it the Fourth of July!
Our Founding Fathers were white privileged terrorist insurgents!
The intelligentsia, cognoscenti, and academics don’t get it, they’re out of touch!
All those uneducated blue collar everymen don’t get it, they couldn’t possibly understand!
The United States is still an oppressive hegemony!
Fireworks trigger my PTSD! The neighbor kids shot off Roman candles and I got Ebola!
Nobody knows about the Lee Resolution!
You can’t enjoy
Memorial Day National Pancake DayIndependence Day, veterans died for your right to be free!
American Exceptionalism isn’t true, we did a bad thing once!
I’m nervous and my socks are too loose!
Today, let’s give it a rest. Let’s relax and enjoy America’s recognized birthday, maybe remembering it’s the very fact that we live here that allows us the liberty of complaining about it. Then let’s help our friends, family, and neighbors do the same thing. There will be time enough for vituperation, demagoguery, and impassioned debates about whatever we should feel guilty for tomorrow.
Enjoy your Independence Day! Now, here are some specials for you to be aware of.
Because capitalism, bitches!
Oh, and yes we’re aware of the irony this post presents.
And now, one of our favorite songs ever. You’re welcome.
Mad Duo, Breach-Bang& CLEAR!
Emergency: Activate firefly, deploy green (or brown) star cluster, get your wank sock out of your ruck and stand by ’til we come get you.