Sorry. Female Space Marines would attract Space Bears

A couple days ago we posted a link (on Facebook) to an article we thought was funny as hell — and the response went way beyond what we expected. So, we’re going to formally add it to the website today. One, because we think some of you will find it as amusing as we do. Two, because we’re shameless and we want to bump our number of unique readers up over a quarter million (we’ve stalled out over the last couple of months at a number right underneath that). So, here you go. Enjoy.

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Recently military-related news feeds have been full of stories about how Capt. Kristen Griest (one of the recent female Ranger School graduates) will be the Army’s first female infantry commander and that an unnamed Marine Corps officer will be attempting the USMC’s Infantry Officer Course soon (as well as putting 200 female enlisted Marines through the School of Infantry). With this, sadly, have come the all too predictable calls that females also be allowed to fight in the ranks of the Emperor’s Space Marines. Remember, the DoD lifted all gender-based restrictions on military service as of 01 JAN 16, so perhaps this was inevitable.

Do Social Justice Warriors just have no concept of reality? Females can’t be Space Marines, nor even Chaos Marines (which would be more likely, as anyone who has dated a hot female can attest). Anyway, as B-B-C reader Matt Hunt pointed out,

Their periods would attract space bears!


It’s science.

Point and Click Bait writer Til Colwill recently addressed this very matter, making some extraordinarily cogent points while doing so. Here, read an excerpt.

“Right from the start, a candidate who wants to become a Space Marine must undergo a harsh and brutal series of tests designed to weed out the weak and infirm. This is identical to my own difficult life, where I needed to catch the bus to the Games Workshop store and the bus would sometimes be late…Once these brutal trials are passed, the organ implantation begins. Right here we have another insurmountable barrier for women: these highly scientific and complex organs are created in such a way that, as the Codex Astartes clearly states, they are only compatible with men…These are serious science organs like the Omophagea, which allows a Space Marine to learn by eating genetic material, or the Betcher’s Gland which turns the Space Marine’s saliva corrosive and poisonous. This is hard science! Do women think they can come in and mess with this stuff just because it’s “entirely fictional”?

Space Marine Adeptus Astartes 1
This Space Marine is a spaceMAN, see? It’s an historical fact.
Female Space Marine Cosplay 1
What fuckery is this? Two words: Space. Bears.

And here’s another thing — Space Marines aren’t even sexual! Their sex drive and desire to procreate is completely bred out of them, to turn them into sexless warrior golems who exist only to kill….Space Marines also have access to the finest arms and armour so that they can defend the Imperium against the mutant, the witch and the alien. This technology was invented by the Emperor himself, who is a psyker of incredible power and limitless knowledge, and — pay attention here, feminists — a MAN.

Buy your blasters, blaster parts, and ammunition at dealer cost. 
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Is it possible for a psyker of incredible power and limitless knowledge to transcend the constraints of society and biology and to exist as a being of pure energy? NO. The being of pure energy needs to have a dick and use male pronouns…”

There’s much more to it than the little snippet we’ve posted here. You should read the whole thing.

Female Space Marine Cosplay 3
The Emperor never…though, okay, she’s pretty hot.
Female Space Marine Cosplay 2
No, just no. Okay, maybe.

Mad Duo Mara drawing dicks - must be the MOSOh, and you can read more about Capt. Griest, who is expected to graduate from the Maneuver Captain’s Course this week, right here. Now, if you want to read about a successful integration of females into a mechanized military unit (in Denmark, not the United States, and certainly not the Adeptus Astartes) you can do so in this article right here: it’s the story of one of our contributors, a combat veteran infantrywoman who was never eaten by a bear but did have to learn to pee standing up with a tub-doohickey.


Here’s something to think about if you spend more than a couple hundred bucks a year on guns, parts, and ammo:
Big Daddy Unlimited Gun Buyers Club
$9.95/mo., no additional fees, buy your blasters and bullets at dealer cost.

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2 thoughts on “Sorry. Female Space Marines would attract Space Bears

  • July 25, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Here’s the problem. The Imperium made all the geneseed for the Astartes ten thousand years ago. They don’t know how to make more- they merely take what the Marines’ own bodies incubate. The genetic engineering skill does NOT exist in the current 41st Millenium (game time) to re-engineer all of it to work in a female body. They are lucky the stuff works at all. Failure rate for some bloodlines is ridiculous.

    And the Fenrisian stuff of the old Sixth Legion doesn’t work ANYWHERE but here. We tried. It didn’t end well.

    • July 25, 2016 at 8:01 pm

      There ARE two unaccounted for Marine Legions. Those could be easily be the Women’s Legions, hidden away for the day when the Male Chapters start to fracture. But LOL on the article.


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