We needed a Brand Ambassador. Jóhannes Tömas Badmoonssen, son of some guy who kinda knew Harald Hardrada, and cousin to Ragnar Lodbrok, has stopped day-drinking and banging Fedelm Noíchrothach in order to take the job. Mad Duo
You know we have a store. You know we need to pay our wretched flunkies to write, even though they don’t deserve it. Go buy something.
Breach-Bang-Clear Selects First Brand Ambassador
Mad Duo
Wait…before we get started with the introductions, let’s make something clear. This is not our new brand ambassador, though we can understand why you might wish it were so.
No, this is our brand ambassador, and we could not be more fucking proud to have him as a part of the organization.
This is Jóhannes Tömas “Jon-Töm” Badmoonssen1. He is the proprietor of a gun store in Kentucky2.
But why a brand ambassador, you ask? Why did we decide it was time?
Well, we’re glad you asked. Brand Ambassadors are an important and effective part of any good marketing strategy. They’re not a waste of time or an exercise in the acknowledgement of someone’s successful narcissism at all. Really. Fact is, all those people you see on Instagram telling you they like latest style of Newer Better Boots, how much they adore this latest weapon light, and that they’d never shoot anything else but the new 6.9 CreepMore Bitchin’ Bang Blaster? They’re all being completely serious and utterly sincere, whether they just happen to show off some jiggly bits or they’re gettin’ paid handsomely or whatever.
Capitalism, bitches!
So, because Brand Ambassadors are really important (and never disingenuous or stoopid) we decided we needed one. That’s why we recently undertook an exhaustive, nationwide search for the first of what we hope to eventually be an eeee-light team of badass Brand Ambassadors.
This guy is him. Our very first Brand Ambassador; hopefully one of several.
Jóhannes Tömas “Jon-Töm” Badmoonssen is a great American. He’s one of those remarkable success stories that prove the truth of our great republic. Orphaned at a young age by the war, he grew up too fast, too hard, and too willing to eat things off the ground. He was running the streets with the Diarmuid and Goll and the rest of the Fianna3 practically from the time he could walk, avoiding incarceration more by blind luck than any particular skill — but eventually fortune, ever a fickle bitch, deserted him.4
Here’s another friendly reminder to go shopping. Seriously, fuckers, support the site.
Despite all his skill as a warrior, history as an accomplished brawler, and willingness to indulge in casual violence, he just barely survived one of the bloodiest periods in modern New York history. He says it was his improbable escape from the brutality of the Gramercy Riffs Gang War5 that prompted his vow to “become somebody,” but we think it like the loss of several friends to that carnage might have had something to do with it.6
Determined now to escape the alleys and dumpster buffets of the poorer quarters, he set off to forge himself anew. It wasn’t too long before he’d earned his GED, then an Associate’s Degree. He later went on to serve his country in a most exemplary fashion, soldiering under such storied warriors as Duncan Idaho, John MacTavish, and Burt Gummer.7 That he found his true calling in this ways is perhaps not surprising. After all, according to the genealogist his Uncle Lenny Badmoonssen hired, Jon is descended directly from descended from Eysteinn Foul-Fart of Landnámabók on one side of the family and a famous champion Kheshig named Tömörbaatar on the other. In any event, after a few years on the sharp end and several deployments he returned home and opened a gun store, eponymously named Bad Moon Armory.8
It is in this capacity, as the HMFIC of Bad Moon Armory, that we became aware of him. We like his sense of humor, we respect his background, and we think he’s exactly the sort of person who could represent the Breach-Bang-Clear brand.9
Plus, he’s full of all sorts of wisdom. Like what he wrote about masculinity and camaraderie not long ago: 10
“Why don’t men greet each other like this anymore?! Have we all decayed socially so far as to not be able to show sincerity, and maybe even just a smidgeon of masculinity still in our salutations? There’s nothing worse than greeting your fellow man only to be surprised by shitty reciprocity in a handshake. The old ‘wet noodle’ or ‘fingertip shake’ or the ‘I’m trying way too hard to establish dominance so I’m gonna fucken’ crush yo’ fingers together’ shit is something that has always imparted on me a lasting impression, And 99.one hundred percent of the time, the impression never goes away. Don’t misinterpret here, I’m not advocating for anyone to bring back the leather strap sandals or saying we should all say ‘fuck off’ to polio vaccines, I’m just saying there’s a few primal things that are conveyed by this forearm handshake. It shows trust. It shows strength. It shows acceptance and virtue. It’s like helping a teammate up after he just body-checked the shit out of an opponent to assist in the winning Stanley cup goal. I’m going to start a thirty-day challenge here. All you dudes out there need to pony up and start implementing this gesture into your everyday lives for the next month. We need this back, especially today with the levels of mistrust floating around.”
Just how in the actual fuck do you argue with that? You don’t. That’s how.11
Look at this noble mien. This affable and yet kingly countenance. This earnest gravitas.12
Grunts: mien.
Like many old warfighters, sometimes he waxes nostalgic, perhaps even a bit melancholy, as you can read in this pensive note he posted to Instagram some time back.13
“While the young ones get all the glory, the middle-aged storm trooper sips his morning coffee, quietly reminiscing the days of old and the good times had by all. Days long ago, back before the Tatooine deployment and the clone wars, long before they were looking for those two droids…”
Wise words indeed, if troubling.
You can follow Bad Moon Armory, if you’d like, on Instagram: @badmoonarmory. We have no idea if they actually sell any guns or do any Cerakote or anything, but that’s their IG anyway. They’re also on Facebook, /BadMoonArmory/, but there’s hardly a fucking thing on there. Maybe they forgot their password or sumthin’. 14
Regardless, please join us in welcoming Jon-Töm, our very first Breach-Bang-Clear Brand Ambassador! 15
Now. While you’re here. Take your ass over to MadDuoCo and buy something for fuck’s sake. We need your money.
Richard “Swingin’ Dick” Kilgore and Jake “Slim” Call — the Mad Duo
1This is not even remotely true. We don’t actually even know this guy’s real name yet.
2This is sorta true, but we’re not entirely sure just how true.
3Do a little research on Irish myth and folklore you lazy fucks, we’re not gonna do it all for you.
4This entire paragraph is a complete fabrication except for the part about him being a great American.
5See what we did there? C’mon – cult movie trivia much?
6All of this is complete bullshit.
7We hear he beat Gurney Halleck at chess every single time they played, and that he once got Ms. Perkins and Lorraine Broughton completely nekkid in a game of strip poker once.
8We made every bit of this up too. Though the bit about the viking from Landnámabók seems plausible enough (and that was a real dude).
9Shout this from the rooftops – fuckin’ A right we do. Every bit of this is true.
10Also true. He really wrote this.
11You cannot argue with us about this. It would be preposterous to try.
12You gotta admit, he has a certain joie de vivre.
13Also true. We told you he’s funny.
14These are real hyperlinks.
15All we’re really doing is giving him some t-shirts, but it would be nice for you all to embrace him.
This article, which was awesome by any journalistic measure, was brought to by MadDuoCo – now go spend some money.
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Mad Duo, Breach-Bang& CLEAR!
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Cant be all bad , sleeps with his rifle.
I’m getting old I think. The first thing I noticed about the young lady at the top of the article was that she had her finger on the trigger of the gun she’s holding. That’s a Soviet WW2 sub-machine gun I believe?
Hmmm…started out a Yankee, but made his way to Kentucky. That shows initiative. He may have become partly human by now. You’ve made me interested; let’s see what they’ve got.