Scrotum Satisfaction: Shinesty Ball Hammock Boxer Briefs
When Life Grabs You by the Balls, Your Underwear Shouldn’t: Be Kind To Your Man Parts
Listen up, Warriors. Pay attention, you steely-eyed pipe-hitters. Move on to to some other online pub, you footsie-pajama wearing pansies. We’re gonna lay some important knowledge down that’s only suitable for meat-eaters.
The good folks at Shinesty have cracked the code of good underwear for dudes with a bit extra down below. They’re better suited for physical activity than anything you’ve ever worn, and thanks to a Micromodal and Spandex blend they’re the most comfortable too. You know who else wears Micromodal and Spandex? Motherfucking superheroes, that’s who.
Do you want to be a real life, face shooting superhero and have comfortable balls? Then check out these underwear.
Sometimes those of us with a little extra down below feel like we’ve been ignored by mainstream undergarment companies. Sure, there are some companies like Duluth Trading who have roomy offerings, but seriously…their underwear were designed for dudes who consider PT to be getting off the couch and like to talk about their 1911’s “knockdown power”. No thanks, Bubba. Then on the other side of things, you have underwear by companies like Calvin Klein. Seriously, just stop it with that shit. Are you a man or a twink?
Well Jeremy, you might ask, what about going good old “commando”? Letting the twigs and berries sway to and fro? Look here, warfighter. That shit might work for youngsters, but gravity is a bitch and so is age. The last time I tried that I was reminded just how bad an idea that could be for a dude with a little gray in the beard. Especially one wearing silkies on the bleachers alongside a bunch of soccer moms.
Enter the geniuses at Shinesty. They’ve built underwear for actual athletic dudes who don’t have socialist sized micro penises. No gents, these underwear are made for red blooded, capitalist sized packages. Those gawddam geniuses at have developed a “Ball Hammock Pouch” (their words) and built it right in to their boxer-briefs. This is a reinforced (it better be) pouch in the front that allows the fellas to be fully supported without squishing them into your leg or forcing it down like the crazy tranny in Silence of the Lambs!
No more “batwinging” when it gets warm outside!
No, none of that crap. Only blessed support and structure. A virtual scaffold for your monument to American Exceptionalism. Not only is the Ball Hammock Pouch (BHP) constructed for support, it’s also constructed of space age synthetics (95% Micromodal and 5% Spandex) so that you don’t get ball-funk and swamp-ass while you’re out kicking in doors and face shooting ISIS.
They’re available in multiple color and design options, including a majestic tiger and friendly panda, you know, for those first dates. Getcha some right here.
There’s a good reason Men’s health called these the most comfortable underwear you’ll ever wear.
Want to know more about these magnificent skivvies? Maxim interviewed Shinesty founder and CEO Chris White a few months back.
Here’s an excerpt.
Why the hell did you decide to make snake and bear-print underwear?
No idea. Probably the same reason why someone decided to squeeze a cow’s udder for the first time to see what would happen. It just felt right. That said, we realize that bears and trouser snakes are not appropriate animals for every situation. With that in mind, we also designed a puppy version…
You can read that interview right here.
Need some additional shoppin’ help? Check out the full lineup of the Banging Gift Guide 2017.
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About the Author: Jeremy Stafford is a truculent old school LEO and a combat veteran of the Marine Corps. He has just one beady eye (the right), a single shriveled testicle (the left) and is rumored to be the adopted son of Burt and Heather Gummer. (Grunts: truculent). Probably only part of that’s true, but really does it matter? Jeremy has been serving with the Los Angeles Police Department for nearly 20 years, both on the road and in specialty assignments. A senior instructor at the LAPD Firearms and Tactics Division, he is a Krav Maga instructor and probably the guy responsible for those few times you see some Hollywood type actually handling a gun correctly. He’s written for several publications like SureFire’s Combat Tactics Magazine and is one of the main reasons we started reading Guns & Ammo again (the other is Mudge). Stafford teaches for the SureFire Institute, mentors local youth (including kids doing the Spartan Race) and he runs many courses himself (think marathons, Tough Mudders and assorted other needless exercises in self-flagellation). Follow him on Instagram here (@jestafford).